I accidentally swallowed a Christmas ornament and now I have tinselitis.
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Movie Exec: Give me 3 realistic ideas or you’re fired
Me: A rat becomes a chef
Movie Exec: ok
Me: A dog plays basketball
Movie Exec: Good
Me: A main character has a bottom row locker at school
Movie Exec: Get out
I sure do wish I had “Queen” energy rather than “starving raccoon rummaging through a trash can” energy but here we are
Guy stole my identity this week and I’m like I HAVE A FAMILY YOU HAVE TO TAKE THEM TOO
Every marriage has one person who is good at putting laundry away and one person who puts my black tights in a kitchen drawer with the dish towels.
Me at 22: you can find me in da club 🎶
Me at 42: you can find me in da tub 🛁
My Kid: Are dinosaurs real?
Me: yes but they died
Kid: why did you kill them?
M: I didn’t!
Kid: did you forget to water them like our plants
*narrows my eyes at you suspiciously*
*keeps narrowing them*
*closes them entirely*
[naps]
Watching a movie and this guy just shoved three dead bodies into a trunk and all I could think was, “That’s some serious storage. What kind of car is that?”
So my question to you is, do I have to start wearing New Balance and cargo shorts now?
Dude, I’d love to go out with you, but this one person 80s dance party in my living room isn’t going to host itself.
Therapist: what’s your biggest fear?
Me: being alone
Therapist [getting tarantula out of box]: guess again idiot
You know you’re single when the only calls you get at night are Nature’s.
Curious George Turns Off Google Image Safe Search
her: what shall we eat tonight? any ideas?
me: I’ll just call the pizza guy
her: ok
[later]
pizza guy: you could make a nice lasagname: love it
Greeting humans vs their dogs
I was thinking about drinking less beer but I knew I couldn’t do it if I always have cold ones ready to go.
It was self a self fridge-filling prophecy
I had to work all night but I can’t wait until my girlfriend hears her new La Cucaracha car horn
6yo has two pregnant Barbies and one Ken doll. You could cut the tension in the Barbie camper with a tiny stiletto.
Wow, wife was pissed when she found out I donated her sweater to Goodwill, but not as mad as she would have been if she’d found out I shrunk it in the dryer.
I’m older than the internet. When I was a kid we didn’t Google things, we had to ask our parents and then carefully filter through the bullshitery
*notices it’s not even 8am*
*been tweeting like a boss…*
*…to 5 insomniacs*
When children vomit, sometimes it sounds like they’re saying the names of Ikea furniture.
When I say, “No problem,” I mean, “YOU REMEMBER THIS FAVOR FOREVER.”
#MeanwhileInCanada
On average, a person spends about 14 years of their life trying to open ketchup packets.
I don’t know why HR tell me I’m not allowed to use the fire extinguisher unless there’s a fire, then get cranky when I start one.
at ease…shoulder.
Doing more laundry today, seems I have more people living here than I can actually see.
Getting to know someone is a lot like making toast; don’t do it in the bathtub.
[Deli]
Me: can I get a children’s sub
Employee: sure thi-
Elon Musk: move over I got this