I accidentally told my kid I paid for a toy “that Santa brought” and now I’m stuck in an elaborate web of lies please send help.
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If someone asks if you’ve been crying just say, “why… do you want to watch?” and it will weird them out enough to leave you alone
Me on FB: All kids home for summer break! My heart is full!
My reality: STOP ARGUING! YOU NEED TO GET A JOB! DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY! WHO TOOK MY PHONE CHARGER?
I wish airlines would stop apologizing for being delayed. I’m an adult, I know you don’t give a shit. I’d rather read “ehh some shit happened, it’s gonna be late”
I wish Kristen from finance would tell us her husband was an “attorney” one more time so I could feel better about shitting in her purse.
Drove past two First Baptist churches.
One of them is lying.
Airlines: $35 to put your bag on our plane
Airlines: $16 for bag of chips
Airlines: Sorry you want your *legs* to fit? $75
Airlines: haha, you have to fork over an extra $50 to choose the seat you already paid for
Airlines:
Airlines: Oh no someone help us we r out of monies
I didn’t know children could be old enough to eat $70 worth of sushi but still have to be told to flush the toilet after every use
The Exorcist was probably the worst workout video ever.
Ever listened to 90s R&B lyrics?
Sex you up?
Licky boom-boom down?
No wonder none of us know what the hell were doing in relationships
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. *turns on tap* We have their children. They will come to us.
One of the advantages of being a man is that chocolate doesn’t control you.
Disadvantage: Sex does.
Relevant: Chocolate is easier to get.
Remember before Twitter you would have to pickup the phone and call someone to tell them how much you love bacon ?
Me: You should have been more specific
Wife: When I said fill my car up, obviously I meant fuel
Me: ok that does make more sense
[Day 739 of me refusing to admit I’m stuck in a tree]
No I did this on purpose.
People who call it duck tape must be smoking quack.
Don’t open your heart to me. I’ll just put peanut butter in there.
Freaking out people walking round the cemetery dressed as a Ghostbuster.
Him: which of these two fanny packs is better?
Me:
Me:
Him: you can say neither
Me: oh thank goodness!
Dear dogs, thank you for sleeping at night.
Dear cats, what the hell is your problem?
animals really be single moms of 6-8 just holding it down daily like girl what
Him: *Head in hands*
Her: What’s happened?
Him: Well- I…I… I found this head
i used to think i was final girl material, but i’m actually the one who’s killed while frantically searching for her glasses
We parents need to stop threatening our kids with a lump of coal. It’s cruel and outdated.
Behave or Santa will break your iPad, kids.
*chad kroeger walks through metal detector at airport*
TSA agent: I’ve never seen this low of a reading
My kid was very impressed with herself for selecting the pink scented garbage bags, which is interesting because I was unaware that she even knew how trash worked
Hearing a noise as a renter: Sounds like the plumbing might be going.
Hearing a noise as a homeowner: Ghosts!
What I thought I would say as a parent:
“You are going to change the world.”What I say as a parent:
“Stop licking the window.”
My toxic trait is wanting things I can’t have, like sleep and lactose
From now on when you see me use the word “variants” know that I’m referring to my children.
When clowns first attacked these shores nobody took it seriously. It’s just one boat, how many could there be, they said.