Apparently, lifting your feet so she can reach underneath,
Is NOT considered “helping her vacuum.”
Lesson learned, fellas. Lesson learned.
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Ugh I hate being a celeb my fans are always asking me “when is your next rent check going to drop?” & “when can we expect you to pay us back for covering your rent last month?” It’s like respect my privacy please.
When reading a friend’s work, always remember, it’s helpful to give brutally honest notes, especially if you have too many friends.
*barber hands me the mirror to check the back*
“Looks good!” I lie, after a few seconds of being unable to get the mirror to angle properly
imagine being a rooster and just completely losing your shit over the sun rising.
Fun With Magnets: Monday Edition
If she licks all the frosting off her face with a single 360 degree sweep of the tongue, she might be Scooby Doo.
the concept of santa actually pisses me off a lot. i work hard all year to buy my kids presents, but all the credit goes to some fat old guy who squeezes down my chimney, eats my food, makes out with my wife, and disappears. this is bullshit
When my 2 y.o. throws a temper tantrum, I suddenly don’t feel so bad about leaving her with massive national debt & a destroyed environment.
She can’t leave if you’re wearing all of her clothes.
How to draw a duck
When I got my epidural during childbirth I didn’t realize it was gonna wear off before the toddler years
Wash your hands like you got a club stamp you don’t want Mom to see
Inventor: It’s a jackhammer.
Investors: This is groundbreaking.
my ex has had a really hard time moving on. from what i can tell through his blinds, he is currently eating (something we always did)
Apparently I have a few “tells” when I’m angry.
But I light things on fire when I’m happy too so don’t pretend you know me.
The older I get, the more my feet hurt. I guess it’s true… time wounds all heels.
*Really attractive person waves at me in their car*-*I wave back enthusiastically*-*realizes they were just putting their visor down*
publisher: how do you expect me to sell a book where you spend three chapters describing a doorknob?
jrr tolkien: it’s an important doorknob
Sometimes I vacuum not because I need to vacuum, but because I want my kids to leave me alone
I have an innuendo addiction and I’m really pleased when I manage to write a tweet without one. It’s really hard when you just want to slip one in.
Just told everybody in the bar to shut the hell up so my date could hear the full effect of my velcro wallet opening.
I love when actors brag about being able to cry on command like that’s some kind of major accomplishment sweetie it’s called being alive in the year 2023 of our lord.
“I got you, babe.”
– kidnappers
Men over 35 are terrible at sharing their momma’s secret recipe for her most requested dish.
And now we wait.
Me: *successfully puts out fire* Did I pass?
Cooking instructor: No.
10: Can we go to the adoption store and pick up a new baby?
Me: Sweet girl, Mama has 4 kids. If we go right now it’s probably to drop off.
People keep inviting me to stuff. I miss the pandemic.
If you told Alexander Hamilton that the online lottery to see his rap musical was unavailable due to server overload, he’d be like, “WITCH!”
[doing crunches]
Me: get it? ab solution?
Priest: so excommunicated
photographer: alright guys, now let’s do a silly one