@WilliamRodgers: I "accidentally" washed my cellphone once, and my wife has never let me do laundry again.... Yeah Accident
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@pleatedjeans: Instead of yelling "Hello?" when u think a murderer's in your home, say "Goodbye" Then if he's there he'll be like well OK guess I'm leaving
@pleatedjeans: me: can I buy you a drink? girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one me: [spits in it] How about now?
@Writepop: "Oh man, you've got stretched lobes and piercings? I've got stretched lobes and piercings, too!" "Sweet! We should hang out!" - Ear buds