I “accidentally” washed my cellphone once, and my wife has never let me do laundry again…. Yeah Accident
You Might Also Like
ME: Take care of my cat while I’m away?
HITMAN: [screwing on silencer] No problem.
The reason Batman doesn’t cover his whole face is because he needs the police to know he’s white
What’s the best way to commemorate the 500th episode of your podcast and why is it throwing yourself into an active volcano?
<enter password>
me
<password is too short>
meonstilts
<password must have at least one special character>
meandbatmanonstilts
Bank Robber: Did anyone see my face?
Me: *raising hand* I’m pretty sure Barb did.
NOBODY MOVE THIS IS A ROBBERY! *other robber looks over at me* dude no you can move. We talked about this. Get the money
As a project I’ve started making my own coffin. Should I be concerned that my wife keeps asking how soon I can have it ready?
If someone asks what you are doing on Halloween, earnestly look at the sky & say “I will be reaching my final form.”
The only reason i’m not practicing bungee jumping is because i refuse to be weighed.
don’t smoke pots because they are made of clay and can burn your tongue
Celebrating a year since my bike got stolen and the wee boy put it on FB marketplace that evening and I stole it back the next day.
Sir, the children at the petting zoo are unhappy. They think our animals are lame
*stares off into distance*
We’re gonna need a bigger goat
Me: how long do you boil something to disinfect it
Her: idk google it
Me: can I use your phone, mine’s disinfecting
Her: *googling DIY annulment*
[first date questions]
You like meat? I make killer beef jerky with leftover hobo carcasses…and she’s gone
Whatever she’s probably vegan
Roses are flowers, violets are flowers, I’d love you more if you had super powers.
Sarah Palin isn’t racist. Some of her white friends’ best white friends have white friends who vaguely know someone who is black.
My dog gets up faster than I do when the microwave starts beeping.
[meeting my gf’s parents]
her: *quietly* don’t worry, my dad’s nice but he doesn’t say much[later]
her dad: I love my daughter very a lot
me: i see
I don’t know if there’s a right time for your preschooler to whisper, “are humans made out of meat?” in your ear, but I know that 3 AM is the wrong time.
if working for a big corporation has taught me anything, it’s that these multimillionaire business owners won’t get rich if the little people like me sit around on my phone tweeting all day
TIME TRAVELER: I’m here from the future
ME: Really? Who wins the election?
TT: Omg it’s such a disgrace
ME: You need to be more specific
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
Just pulled over for gas despite having 3/4 of a tank so I could gracefully get out of this Pokémon conversation.
Probably the worst part about being a snail is how you can’t put salt on your French fries.
How come Satan always seems to know exactly what I like?
You could never commit the JFK assassination today. You’d be cancelled
ME: What are you watching?
WIFE: The Wheel Of Time.
ME: It’s called a clock, Sharon.
HER: Get out.
‘My neighbour just told me coyotes kept eating his outdoor cats, so I asked how many cats have you had and he said he just goes to the shelter afterwards to get a new cat. So I said it just sounds like you’re feeding shelter cats to coyotes. And then his daughter started crying’
Just bought a telescope and the eldest asked if I’d be doing horoscopes.
Yes.
Leo: You will be written out of someone’s will.