I’m very jealous of people who can take selfies with their dogs. My dog is like OH BOY WE ARE SITTING TOGETHER I LOVE YOU LICK FACE FOREVER
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Guy in the parking lot tried to sell me a “Rolex” watch. I should probably change because I must look stupid today.
my toxic trait is feeling like eating 1 box of oreos over the course of 1 day is healthier than eating them in one sitting. there has to be less calories that way.
i could never be president. im overqualified.
Back on campus for the new semester and a younger fellow student asked me what I teach
I thought about poking him in the eye and saying “a lesson”
I’m starting a merciful puzzle company that keeps the edge pieces separate from the middle pieces because it’s 2019 and we shouldn’t have to work so hard to be bored.
What a wicked game you play
To make me feel this way
What a wicked thing to do
Detective Pikachu
Rules for a happy marriage:
3. Separate bank accounts
2. Separate data plans
1. Separate bathrooms
superterriblemorningexpialidocious
As a new homeowner, I was excited to learn how to do carpentry, plumbing and electrical work. And now that I’ve destroyed it, does anyone want to buy a house?
“Please be aware that this call may be recorded for training purposes”
-companies that obviously provide no training
I’ve trapped dozens of birds and woodland creatures in my room but not one has helped me get dressed, and they’re just shitting everywhere.
It’s not the most ethical move in the world, but in a pinch you can hand off a cursed object to basically any baby.
*opens drawer* huh, I don’t remember this shirt being pink. OMG…did he…did he do laundry? *slowly opens 2nd drawer*
-Law & Order sound
50% of parenting is saying “we’ve got food at home.”
If an interviewer asks you: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” say “I don’t know, did you see me pull up in a DaLorean?”
Make your enemies super uncomfortable by showing up to the rumble with an elderly friend
Make bowling your first date. If he rents small shoes and jams his fingers in the wrong holes don’t bother with a second.
The first 5 days after the weekend are always difficult😭
A pig’s orgasm lasts for 30 minutes. So would mine, probably, if I was having sex with something made out of bacon.
[Dragging 3 whining kids through mall] No thank you, mall kiosk employee, I’m not interested in trying “something amazing for my hair.”
Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
coworker: Do you want a plate?
me [carrying 2 pieces of cake out of the break room] For what?
cat vs inanimate object
Any bar can be a dive-bar if you wear a snorkel
*gets woken up by a tap on my shoulder*
“Daddy, how do you get yogurt out of the toaster when it’s done toasting?”
Many hands make light work
If it wasn’t for my coworkers who arrive to work after me I would never know it’s been raining for 7 days.
Toddler, sleepily: “A lot of people live in our house.”
Me: “Momma, Matty, and me. That’s all.”
Toddler, pointing behind me: “And them too.”
I turn to see an empty hallway. I’m 99% certain it was an empty hallway.
Just saw The Martian. If Matt Damon was alone on Mars, who was filming him that whole time? Clearly fake