I usually spend my Sundays texting apologies but I’ve had an alcohol free weekend now I have nothing to do.
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Hold the door for your girlfriend. Listen to the door. Tell the door everything will be okay. Leave your girlfriend for the door.
Don’t cry because it’s over smile because you had a solid alibi & no one will ever find the body.
8 just got annoyed that the cheese on his grilled cheese sandwich melted and is no longer square shaped…in case any of you were on the fence about having children.
If you Google “How do I stop receiving Pottery Barn catalogs?” the top result is a page with instructions for faking your own death.
Parents who have allowed your
8 yr olds to become spoiled brats …We’ll check back in 10 years to see
how that worked out for you.
If you ever find yourself drowning in a pool of egg whites and sugar, simply keep thrashing until you’re resting comfortably on a pillow of meringue.
Asked 4 how pre school was and she said Jake did a bad thing and made Freya cry and when I asked 4 what Jake did she said she couldn’t remember and went to play with her Barbie and now I’m expected to just carry on my life not knowing what went down between Jake & Freya
[Looking out the window]
Me: I don’t understand this show.
I’m not gaining weight, I’m “retaining candy.”
Now, where’s the sport in that?
Check out some of these wacky signs you guys sent in! 👎⚠️ #FallonTonight
Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: Medium Double Quarter Pounder meal please.
Cop: Step out of the vehicle.
Me: Sprite.
SCIENTIST: I’ve written several books on how to cure cancer.
PUBLISHER: would you be willing to curate?
SCIENTIST: ideally, I’d like to cure them all.
genie: i’ll grant you one wish now and then an additional wish every six months
me: i thought i got three wishes right now
genie: trust me this arrangement is much better at reducing your tax burden at the end of the year
I’ve been told in the past that training with cats was difficult. It’s really not. Mine had me trained within a day.
[harry potter, college edition]
Voldemort: the boy who lived, come t-
Harry: yeah yeah just kill me already
Voldemort: wh-what
Harry: i’m $100k in debt and i have a masters in communications
Voldemort: *giggling* on second thought nevermind
my physical therapist told me to do yoga in the cold to get rid of my pain. she called it frozen yog-hurt
date: what do u do
me: well u know big bird
date: omg. u play him
me: no *places a crossbow on the table* i hunt him
I’d congratulate you on the birth of your first child, but I have 2 of my own so here’s a sympathy card and a case of wine.
If Liam Neeson keeps starring in the same film pretty soon he’s going to be Taken 4: Granted
“the moon is made of cheese”
You’re an idiot
“And yet you seem to be unable to refute my claim! Is it perhaps that you have no logical rebuttal? Tis always the side with the weaker argument that must resort to name calling. 😏”
Bear 1: Is that guy playing Nickelback on his hike?
Bear 2: Yup. Give me a minute to stretch.
I’ll always be here for you, unless we run out of beer over here and someone has some over there, then I’ll be over there for you.
me: do you mind i can’t go with other people in the room
cellmate: buddy i don’t know what to tell you
Men love me.
Germs fear me.Or vice versa, whatever
Death hack: bury your loved ones with their fitness trackers for a low-cost early zombie alert system.
When did we get a dog?
-me, getting into the wrong gray minivan at Target