@SaraMansford: I added broccoli to my kid's Mac n Cheese and now he's sitting in a spinny chair, petting a hairless cat and plotting his revenge.
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@outrrracheous: Remember: You don't owe anybody anything. Unless they killed someone for you. Then they probably deserve a nice gift card.
@Sickayduh: DATE: This place is so fancy ME: Ever have a guy splurge on you before? DATE: Well, only when we didn't have a condom
@QwertyJones3: [Me as an Italian language translator] Police: Ask him where the money is hidden. Me: Spaghetti tortellini Benghazi Fibonacci cappuccino.