@veronaway2: I admire the guy who named duct tape. He was a marketing genius. He knew naming it abduct tape would be more accurate, but a harder sell.
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@david8hughes: [interrogation] "How do u kno the deceased?" I was his drug dealer. "Louder for the tape?" [leans in] I was his rug feeler. Tested his rugs.
@Manda_like_wine: My 4yo just came into the living room, crying, "I don't want Santa to see me when I poo."
@AndyAsAdjective: [my kid, literally every school morning] "I hate mornings. I'm not getting up" [1st day of summer vacation] "dad, can we watch the sunrise"
@golubeerji: *feels butterflies in his stomach while going on the first date* - guess I shouldn't have run through the garden with my mouth open.