I admire the guy who named duct tape. He was a marketing genius. He knew naming it abduct tape would be more accurate, but a harder sell.
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self awareness is such a two edged sword omg?? like yay i know myself better!! but at what cost.
One million people have DM’d me asking me to stop lying about the number of people who DM me.
Was carded whilst buying wine today and my response was to point out that I was wearing a very sensible cardigan
grocery shopping while hungry feels like online shopping while drunk
Discovered my husband thinks the candy is called “whoopers” and I may never recover from this
*Takes off clothes
*Enters meeting room naked
*Coworkers gasp in horror
*Slowly backs out of room[whispers] “you said debriefing”
Just once I’d like to buy a house plant that didn’t have the lifespan of a soap bubble.
One time I threw my cat at a spider so I could escape, but sure I’d love to hold your baby
Me: *doing magic trick* Is THIS your card?
Guy: They’re all my cards, give me my wallet back.
Become a parent to discover how angrily you can serve someone crackers.
Somebody needs to get my shit together.
Let’s make a calendar where the models look worse as the year goes on so I feel like I’m progressing in my fitness goals
It’s taken 7 years but I’m beginning to see the correlation between my kid’s hyperactivity and his sugar intake.
Toddlers be like, “excuse me madam that’s my emotional support Walmart receipt.
My online therapist says you can’t live your life in fear….He also sells shampoo.
me: what do you know about atoms?
friend: very little
me: besides that
Can someone make a voodoo doll of me and send it off to the gym?
friend: i have no idea how some people have 3 kids
me: they have sex 3 times
“Hey baby ditch the zero *stares silently until lenses transition into sunglasses* and get with the hero.”
[first date]
HER: I totally love Nirvana
ME: Oh yeah? Name one of their albums
HER: Nevermind
ME Okay, forget about it then
Cat 911: What’s your emergency?
Cat: I knocked everything off the tables now I’m scared!
Cat 911: Seriously?
Cat: No, LOL!
Cat 911: LOL!
If you’re burglarizing a home and the owner walks in, defuse the situation by saying, “I seriously love your place”
My mind says “no” but my heart says “yes”, all my vital organs speak English, it’s very confusing and loud
Say goodbye to unsightly carpet stains by strategically repositioning your furniture.
Cop: I’m going in, cover me!
Me:*speed knits blanket*
If babies named Todd don’t call themselves “The Toddler” then what’s the point of having a douchebag baby name like Todd?
Our descendants will have smart toilets that will alert them to internal illnesses and trends in their diets just from their daily constitutional. I’m so glad I’ll be dead by then.
you can be anything when you grow up. For instance i am very tired
When I was 12 I found a document on our family computer with my name on it where my mom wrote that I was “witty, which can be irritating” like damn lady name that document taxes2001 or something.
Would you rather get paid $1,000,000 right now or pay somebody $10 a day to wake you up by punching you in the face?
I’ll take Option B. It keeps you motivated to go out and EARN. That’s the hustler mentality