That depressing moment when you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.
You Might Also Like
We got a tornado warning, and I’m too scared to open my windows. Don’t want any sharks in my house.
One of my kids opened a new bottle of salad dressing and immediately lost the lid. The next day another child of mine opened a new bottle of dressing, same brand and also immediately lost the lid. It’s not life or death but it is a fair example of why I rub my temples a lot.
Dealing with your ex before driving across town in traffic is great for the blood pressure…
Your dog is hyper if he skips his afternoon walk.? Oh please. You should see my raccoon after a can of Mountain Dew.
Just bought a 2013 calender, a rope and a stool. I like to keep the store clerk guessing.
The lady at McDonald’s gave me an extra pack of fries for free. I hope she is ok with the names I picked out for our children.
opening a flower shop called women in stem
[at the mechanic]
mechanic: what is the problem
me: my car
never forget
my mom is yelling at my stepdad over the difference between a pillow sham and a pillowcase and I tell you what if you get the opportunity to move in with your parents as an adult you should loads of fun highly recommend
If anyone asks, I’m drinking all this wine to collect corks for a pinterest project.
When you’re feeling frisky and shaved up to your knee.
[dentist chair]
how’s school?
*I start talking, dentist notices his hand isn’t in my mouth*
oh sorry
*puts hand in my mouth*
how’s school?
A priest, a pastor and a rabbit entered a clinic to donate blood. The nurse asked the rabbit: “what’s your blood type?”
“I’m probably a type O”, said the rabbit.
boss: you’re fired
me: [slamming fist on couch] you woke me up for this?
You don’t know rock bottom until someone tries to tickle your neck fat.
When I was a kid I wanted to join this gang. They all had these crazy symbol tattoos on their midsections.
Ok, I wanted to be a Care Bear.
Whatever, hissing raccoon. Sitting there, judging me. I didn’t mean to throw the cake in the trash so it’s still fair game.
In a previous life I may have been a carrier pigeon, in that all I ever think about is going home.
[mosh pit]
me: HELLOOO TRYING TO DRINK A LATTE HERE
Wow, so it’s true… Toddlers in Tiaras is the prequel to 16 and Pregnant which is the Prequel to Intervention
If you’re asking me to choose sides, I’ll always choose potato salad.
I would have finished law school earlier if I didn’t giggle every time someone said “penal”
[maintains eye contact while slowly rearranging the dishwasher]
The universe: “Everything happens for a reason”
Me:
my kid said her friend was ‘absinthe’ from class today and I’m wondering if should inform their parents
power walking from my problems because running will draw their attention
Me: I’m not interested in this tweet
Twitter: Idgaf
the CIA has been tracking me for years cuz they know i saw two sharks jump out of the water and hi-5 but i’d rather die than rat out a shark
14: hey dad- do you know what 9x9x9x9 is?
Me: I’m 40. I don’t need to know that anymore.