I almost choken on food and the whole time it was happening I was just thinking “What a cliche way for a fat person to die of”
You Might Also Like
27 years ago I snot-bubble cried during Mufasa’s death scene and I am now while watching it with my 8 year old AND THAT CYBORG DIDN’T SHED ONE DAMN TEAR!!!
10yo: When in doubt, albatrout.
Me: What the hell is albatrout? That’s not real.
10yo: Now you’re in doubt!
Me: But…
10yo: ALBATROUT
[pulling the casket a few inches away from the wall during a funeral]
sorry just need to plug in my phone for a minute
Jesus Christ is trending? What the heck did he do THIS time?
*sees conditioner bottle is almost empty
*immediately buys new bottle of conditioner
*old bottle of conditioner lasts 6 more years
If someone tells me, “no rush” then I’m basically never doing it.
Perfume is designed to be an invisible accessory.
It’s not designed to instantly kill the canary when you entered the room.
“Jessica wasn’t usually dead. So when we found her dead we immediately knew something was wrong.”
-Investigation Discovery
Turns out “V for Vendetta” is not an educational movie and it won’t teach your kids the alphabet
At first you don’t succeed, destroy the paper trail saying you tried.
Satan: *rubbing temples* For the love of God and everything holy, put your clothes back on.
Me: Not until you turn the heat down.
How am I supposed to give a review for dog treats? I mean, my dog loves them. They’re just ok to me. A little chewy
It’s perfectly normal to shave your legs just from the top of your boots to the hem of your dress, right?
Don’t get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.
My mother-in-law is visiting & I told my 14-year old to make menus for brunch this morning & they just invented the most popular restaurant in Williamsburg.
Me: *opens a package*
5-year-old: You ordered us bubble wrap!
Me: I ordered the thing inside the bubble wrap.
5:
Me: I ordered you bubble wrap.
People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
72% of trick or treating is yelling “CAR!!!” at your kids.
I’m starting to think some of these Marvel movies might be made up.
Day two of homeschooling.
I am leaving my student to fend for herself, so I may hunt for essentials. Like more wine.
WIFE: How’s the ventriloquism going?
ME: Not good.
WIFE: But I got you that Ventriloquism For Dummies book.
ME: I don’t think he read it.
This is my favorite one of these!
Just once in movies when someone gently shuts a dead person’s eyes I want them to whisper “Ew, ew, ew, ew.” while doing it.
why does the radiologist run behind that wall like they just pulled the pin out of a grenade wtf
[soldier dying in my arms]
“You take this & you give it to my wife.”
“No [pushes watch back to soldier] she lives really far away from me.”
“Can I have $20?”
-how teenagers say hello
So much respect for Bed Bath & Beyond for covering all three categories of things that can be sold
Remember, that the reason your kids can be so fuckin annoying sometimes..
Is that they’re miniature versions of you
HR: We’ve noticed a substantial amount of office supplies missing recently.
Me *wearing a 3-piece suit made of Post-It notes*: That’s odd
[train station]
Man: hey you.
Woman: Hi.
M: i’m Christian.
W: That’s a pickup line?
*rolls eyes, walks awayM: ugh. i hate my name.