Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.
Me: Uses all fours to walk up a flight of stairs.
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Recently I discovered when changing sex positions, it’s better to make the Transformers sounds inside your head rather than vocalizing them.
I’m 30 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 18 times this week…
For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…
[Explaining nomenclature to my niece]
Well, you see, celebrities used up all the good names the year you were born, Fancy Feast.
every For Him gift guide is just like “have you considered sock?? what about TOOL??“
It’s impossible to have an *ok* time on a trampoline. It’s either the most fun you’ve ever had or you go to the hospital.
remeber: you hav the same number of hours in the day as this tree. and how much oxygen hav u produced? oh none? oh u CONSUMED OXYGEN!?!???
[first day as a cashier]
*intercom* can I get a price check on…die john mustard.
on my monopoly game the community chest cards say shit like: THE REALTOR SHOWING THE HOUSE ACROSS THE STREET GIVES YOU $50 TO CLOSE YOUR GARAGE DOOR
Some people are uncouth but not me, I’m super couthy.
Chopsticks are perfect for when you want to drop your food twice on its way to your mouth.
Me: *stuffing a ham into my pillow*
Wife: what are you doing
Me: it’s in case someone tries to stuff a ham into my pillow, they’ll be like “ah damn”
My next-door-neighbor is such a bitch that regardless of what she says to me; I simply reply, “You’re barking up the wrong tree.”
Both my kids are denying ownership of an iPhone charger that they usually fight over. Makes me wonder what crime scene evidence is on it.
In the beginning God created the heaven and the earth. And God said, let there be light: and there was light. And God said let there be sunshine and moonlight and good times.
And then God blamed it on the boogie.
guys in LA in their 30s are like “i love going camping, i love sleeping outside.” and it’s like, ok, why do you bother having your parents pay your rent then?
A wise man once said… absolutely nothing.
He let her vent and then they had sex afterward.
Q: How do you stop an astronaut’s baby from crying?
A: You rocket!
#HatDadJoke
one time my cousin greg put on two jean jackets and he exploded, there was mustache everywhere
my dentist called to tell me they overcharged me by $150 on my last visit which was cool at first but then i remembered that i only paid $130 for that visit and now i’m like, damn, how bad did they **** up my teeth that they were somehow supposed to owe me $20?
Dr. House would’ve solved this covid shit in 20 minutes flat.
Officer: Can you identify the burglar’s screwdriver from these ten pictures? And his headwear from these ten?
Me: It’s tool eight; Fourth hat.
Officer: We won’t catch him with that attitude, sir.
I’m hosting a mommy group next week and am thinking of buying a bunch of “how to parent a genius” type books to leave around the house.
Me: whale sharks should really pick a lane ya know
Aquarium guide: let’s focus on finding your kid
Adding the word “farmhouse” to a table or piece of furniture allows you to charge $1000 for it.
CW: I think you’re two-faced
Me: Why don’t you say that to my face
CW: I just did!
Me: No. My other face.
The block button is just the adult version of sticking your fingers in your ears and repeating “I can’t hear you” over and over
if you eat one piece of bread shortly after you’re born and another piece right before you die, all food is a sandwich
STEWARDESS: Does anyone know how to defuse a bomb?
PERSON WHO DOESN’T FLINCH OPENING A CAN OF CRESCENT ROLLS: Right here.