@Sir_Strange: I almost died today, so naturally my first impulse was to pull my phone out and tweet about it.
YOU MIGHT ALSO LIKE
@ddsmidt: My dentist told me to relax, then got all judgey about me uncorking my wine in his office. He needs to make up his mind.
@OddMarc: I'm definitely the most successful guy in this dollar store. Oh, wait. That guy has a tuxedo t-shirt. I'm the second most successful guy.
@vikkaroni: My husband and I are having a serious fight. Do you think I should let him know about it?
@ddrwg: [Riding a saddled turtle] BATTLE TORTOISE, GOOOO!! [turtle just goes normal speed for turtles] Aww man.