@Sir_Strange: I almost died today, so naturally my first impulse was to pull my phone out and tweet about it.
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@AbbieEvansXO: SERIAL KILLER: you can run but you can't hide ME: [crying] you believe in me more than my track coach ever did
@Gooooats: My kitten is probably the most playful creature on the planet, but it's less cute when you realize it's all just bird murder practice.
@Quartzjixler: The cashier wasn't impressed with my top hat, sash, and monocle until I said "Keep the change" from the $1 I gave him for my $0.95 purchase.
@dumbbeezie: Me: He was choking. Seemed like he couldn't breathe Cop: Why didn't you help him Me: My dog was sleeping in my lap Cop: Totally understand