@Sir_Strange: I almost died today, so naturally my first impulse was to pull my phone out and tweet about it.
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@Sassafrantz: "911, what's your emergency?" Me: A cute guy at the laundromat walked past me while I was folding my period underwear.
@Tommytoughstuff: ME: Do you believe in ghosts? WIFE: Yes. ME: A ghost just spent $600 on a new home surround sound system.
@5hael: Do you think it's weird that the only reason we still have landlines is so cops in movies can wake each other up in the middle of night?