@TheRolo: I almost got ran over by joggers. I saved myself by pretending to be a stop light. I got away while they jogged in place.
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@thepunningman: [on deathbed] "Tell my Wif... *cough*" Yes? Tell her what? "Tell my Wifi provider their broadband speeds were moderate at best" [dies]
@Royceda59: I bought condoms. Cashier asked if I needed a bag, I said no she's not that ugly RT @HeroinHadley:Tweet something inspirational. I need it.
@SacamanoB: Whenever I wake up in a bad mood I always wear a shirt I don't like just in case I turn into The Hulk.
@PastorBate: Sea cucumbers are actually animals, so regular cucumbers are either lying or they need to step their game up.