I always assume people with red cars were drunk when they went to the dealership.
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It’s been a really expensive month for the last 125 months.
Apparently on Facebook you can “like” that someone “liked” something. I just liked the movie “Inception”, and now we wait.
Alright! Everyone that got a DM containing a map to my treehouse, meet there in 15 mins. Those who didn’t, maybe consider being nicer to me.
I’m not saying it was a bad idea to let our 4yo color with markers, but now it looks like our kitchen table was pooped on by a diarrheal unicorn binge-eating fruit loops
Those 11 British actors I watch on every single show must be so tired.
Mobster: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Lobster: that’s not the threat you think it is, Tony
*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*
I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.
Me: “You kids aren’t getting any more toys until you take care of the ones you have!”
Grandma: “Here are 8,000 new toys just for existing.”
If I ever saw a Tyrannosaurus Rex in real life , I’d be scared.
[opening birthday presents]
me: …is this another dead cat?schrödinger: *way too excited* we don’t know until you open it!
How dare you with another bird…😏😂🦜
Don’t “psh” me, Coca Cola I just opened.
[God creating cheesecake]
GOD: [stuffing his face] oh man this is so good
ANGEL: shouldn’t u share it?
GOD: [creates lactose intolerance]
Some women are called sirens I’m more of an annoying doorbell
Cat: WHERE AM GO?
Me: uh
Cat: PLS DO NOT SAY VET
Me: well
Me: um
Cat: U HAVE BETRAYED CAT
[to girl i just brought home] watch your step, i was playing with my legos earlier
Me: If moths like light so much why haven’t they all flown into the Sun?
Boss:does anyone have any work related questions?
I just watched my son get a knot out of his shoelace with the tine of a fork and then put it back in the silverware drawer and OMG! HOW MANY TIMES HAS HE DONE THIS?!
I wouldn’t call it ‘passive aggressive’, but I do send the glitter Christmas cards to the people who annoy me.
“I CAME IN LIKE A WRECKING BAAAAAAALLL”
– me at 3:00am, drunk and naked, on my neighbor’s tire swing
[buried under a pile of geese]
Ah yes, murder most fowl. Excellent.
as a teen: secretly drinking in the park with friends.
as an adult: secretly drinking in the park with squirrels.
Just once I’d like to hear a doctor say, “Your guess is as good as mine.”
*suddenly pulls away from kissing* BUT WHERE DOES THE STORK GET THE BABY FROM?!?
lost my job at Red Lobster for saying crabsolutely too much
a well-meaning but misguided stranger said my kids were so good they must go to church and my 6yo said, with the deadpan delivery of a trained actor, “what’s church”
Surprise your girlfriend at work by wearing a ski mask and taking everyone hostage
[grocery store]
me: *reaches for the last big pot pie*
little old lady: *reaches for the last big pot pie*
[kill bill sirens]
What an exciting day!
First I’ve found a hat full of money,
then I was chased around town by some weird guy with a guitar.#HatDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
[quietly] “Always a bridesmaid never the bride”
BRIDE: Hey, you’re not one of my bridesmaids!
“Shhh…this day is about you, not me.”