I always assumed the movie “Grease” got its title from how those characters managed to fit into those pants.
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Hungover? Hydrate. Anxious? Hydrate. Want to advance Satan’s agenda here on Earth? Hydrate.
My dentist is a nice guy but he asks the dumbest questions. Um, yeah, I think I’ve heard of a toothbrush!
Double negatives are never not confusing.
Calm down penguins. You’re just a flashy suit and a few body parts away from being a platypus.
Me: What’s for dinner?
Shawn: Prawns
Shaun: Prauns
Sean: Preans
I thought I saw a coyote in the yard tonight but I couldn’t tell because it didnt have an anvil.
“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.Day 2.
“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.Day 3.
I know! I’ll just surprise her with toast and jam.
12: I don’t like that.
It only looks like my kids are having popsicles for breakfast, Brenda, those are clearly frozen smoothies
Ladies,
Please stop answering our questions with “yes, of course”. All you’re doing is forcing us to nod our heads like we knew that.
Men
Before Twitter I had to disappoint people in person.
Daughter found the wrinkle cream and when I told her what it was for she said, “Daddy, you should use that when you grow up” so I guess my point here is maybe 4 isn’t too young for a pony.
Finally, a cream that replaces me with another person
People always say that when you have two kids that they’ll play together so it’s less work for the parents. Nobody mentions how loud they play together though.
Found the kid playing with her dog instead of Zooming with her teacher. She told me not to worry. She took a screenshot of herself “paying attention,” then cut her video & replaced it with the picture. “It’s a gallery view of 20 kids, mom. They can’t tell.” She is 10. #COVID19
Not gonna elaborate, but I just found out the hard way that the phrase isn’t “self defecating humour”
I once watched two guys arguing in sign language.
Either that, or they were both really bad at martial arts.
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about getting a goat?
me [stops feeding the goat] You would have said no
“It’s just me, my board, and my iron, catching some sweet sweet wrinkles.”
Avoid unwanted pregnancies by using the “pull out” method where you pull out an acoustic guitar at a party & no one will have sex with you.
wife: it doesn’t start until 4, why are we leaving so early?
me: i have to set up the grill and tap the keg in the parking lot for the tailgate party
wife: that’s not a thing at funerals
Thanksgiving prep with mom is great for my self esteem:
Why aren’t you helping me??
*starts to help*
You’re doing it wrong! Let me do it!
“You don’t have to try on every outfit on sale, you know”, my mum, clearly not knowing how a sale works.
Whack a mole is not a conventional dermatological treatment method.
Watching someone cook is really sexy.
But I recommend you make sure they are unconscious before you put them in the pan.
me: I can’t wait for the elections to be over so I can remove these political signs
proctologist: how many are in here
tall people make me nervous. what the hell are you doing up there? stop eating the leaves off that tree
My Ex told me once that more people would like me if I buttered them up, but in real people ran away when I step towards them with a butter knife.
I’m tired, you’re tired, we should probably sleep together.