If you name a baby “Steve” you get to spend all day, like, “Yo, my man Steve shit himself and threw a potato at the cat.”
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Me: I’ve been tired for 10 years.
Kid: Hey, that’s how old I am!
Me: Weird…
2 atoms of helium acting funny ~ HeHe
[Romeo below the balcony in 2022]
“I brought chicken”
When someone tells me how old their kid is in months, I ask them to rephrase it in days, so they know what I just went through.
I’ll write I’ll write I’ll write.
I’m starting a website called onlyflaps.
It’s for plane enthusiasts.
What were you thinking?
*crawls back into sea to de-evolve*
[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
I’m so uncomfortable with confrontation, a waiter could bring me a bowl of cold black olives instead of my meal and I would quietly eat them and tip 30%.
I keep having this dream where an old, floating man with a giant, white beard is commanding me to build a giant hazmat suit, big enough to contain my entire family and two of every animal of the world. Wierd, I know!
a god among men
My next-door-neighbor is such a bitch that regardless of what she says to me; I simply reply, “You’re barking up the wrong tree.”
“Your present is too big and weirdly shaped to wrap. Oh! What if I buried it in the yard?!” -me, genuinely, earlier today. Wife said no.
Thought I was saying, “Bye bye” at the end of a phone call, and it came out, “Bye bay,” and then I’m in a panic, thinking she may have heard it as, “Bye, babe,” and she’s not someone I can “babe,” and then the rest of the evening I have a new episode of Seinfeld in my head
Canada has Nova Scotia but won’t tell us what happened to Scotia. What are they hiding?
-Me: [Turns off the light, finally gets to sleep]
– Brain: Wait. Who the hell closes the bus door when the driver’s out?
God: you’re a centipede.
Centipede: what does that mean?
God: you have 10 legs.
Centipede: that’s not enough legs.
God: how many do you want?
Centipede: 100 LEGS : )
God: ok but don’t tell Snake.
Snake: don’t tell me what?
God:
Centipede:
Snake: guys don’t tell me what?
6am. 4 runs into bedroom, jumps on bed repeatedly.
“DADDY, DADDY, DADDY! WAKE UP! HAPPY FATHER’S DAY! WE’RE GOING TO LET YOU SLEEP IN!
Getting colagen injections in my lips next week ’cause, you know, ’tis the season to be Jolie.
Parents today:
Text me when you get there, text me the names of the kids who are there, text me when you’re coming home.Parents in the 80s:
Bye.
[before electricity was invented]
ME: [presses hand dryer]
GUY IN THE WALL: [deep inhale]
Boss: Can I have a quick word?
Me: Rapid
Boss:
You know IT have given up when the error message reads ‘Something went wrong’.
I’m on the steak diet. You just have four steaks for breakfast, four for lunch, then a sensible dinner of six steaks.
some Old Testament wisdom
Home Alone: Abandoned by his loved ones, a young boy must survive a violent home invasion. (Family, Comedy)
In an effort to drink more water, I started taking a sip of water every time one of my kids yells MOM. So far I’m at 7 gallons.