a lot of the people who told me i’d never be able to use 6 slabs of acme fish as a blanket are reaaaaal quiet these days…..
You Might Also Like
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
Don’t put up a tire swing unless you hunted and killed that car yourself. Show some respect.
I would rather see a scorpion in my house than one of those antique dolls with the glass eyes.
Husband Bear: Honey! I’m home!
Wife Bear: For God’s sake, would you at LEAST say hello before demanding dinner?
If Socrates had been a woman, he would’ve said: All I know is that I have all these clothes, but I have nothing to wear.
Wife: How long has 5 been in the tub?
Me: I’m letting her soak before I wash her
If Spotify has taught me anything, it’s that I don’t know the correct lyrics to any of my favourite songs.
If you’re wondering how much fun I am, we were watching a telly show earlier and I said “we’ve got those gherkins in the cupboard”.
I know, right?
When you hear your kid shout “HERE, HOLD MY LOLLIPOP!” you know it’s about to go down.
Cleanliness is next to godliness in a dictionary missing some stuff
I believe that every single child, regardless of nationality or citizenship, should be forcibly removed from this country.
Direct deposit: +1400
Me at Cheesecake Factory: yeah I’ll take one of each slice
my dad put my photo on milk cartons when i went missing because he didn’t want vegans looking for his son
There are two kinds of people.
Try not to be either one of them.
Concierge: Welcome to Paris, monsieur.
Me: You recognize this man?
*slides photo*
Concierge: That’s Pepe le Pew.
Me: If you see him you call me. *leans in* My cat’s been taken.
I met a girl at a club last night and she told me she’d show me a good time.
When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.
My mom is pretty relaxed about earthquakes.
“HONEY, MY TOOTHBRUSH IS MOVING!”
“Has it got ears?”
“YEAH.”
“Tail?”
“YEAH.”
“Is it the dog?”
“I THINK I KNOW THE DIFF–AH IT BIT ME AGAIN!”
If a guy runs his fingers through your hair, there is a 33.3% chance you are being used as a napkin.
The first step to forgiveness is realizing that the other person is stupid.
I don’t pluck my unibrow to look good, I do it because McDonald’s sued me for illegal use of the double arches.
All I’m saying is there’s no coincidence that Superheroes come in all forms and so does cheese.
me: would you still love me if i was crazy?
him: if????
facte: you eat 28 spiders in your lifetime. always 28. if you are about to die and you have only eaten 3 then 25 spiders arrive at once
It’s like you don’t appreciate this bag of toenails and I can’t deal with this right now.
“Oh, that shirt had buttons.”–me, at bath time right after I pull my kid’s head off
When you tell me to “Go outside and play” you mean go outside & then back inside, then outside, then inside a million times, right?
– kids
Went to an outdoor restaurant in the rain once. Took me two hours to finish my soup.
Please don’t distract me, I’ve been asked to guard my daughter’s shell collection while she’s in the water.
When people tell me they trust a product because ‘It’s natural.’, I like to remind them that arsenic is also natural.