Some of you are too young to remember taking pictures and having to wait for the bird in the camera to chisel the image out on a stone slab and it shows.
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The fastest land mammal is a toddler who’s been asked what’s in their mouth.
me: well it’s technically the bride of frankenstein’s monster
hostage negotiator: we should get back on topic
When someone tells me “They could care less.” Instead of the proper “I couldn’t care less.” I always say “At least you care.”
Change is supposed to be a good thing, but I don’t think pennies, nickels, and dimes have ever done anything to deserve my respect.
me: you remind me of my college boyfriend
husband: you never told me about him
me: we just started dating. he’s a junior
RHCP: Red Hot Chili Peppers
my brain: Real Housewives of Chili Peppers
“those tattoos will make it harder to get a job” ok well so will my personality.
Before sprinting towards the elevator, ask yourself, “Am I hot enough to make them hold the door?”
FRIEND: Hey, how are you doing?
ME (who goes to a lot of concerts): Wooooo.
Me: lets go get a drink!
Friend: what’s the occasion?
Me: …
Friend: …
Me: I don’t understand the question.
i like the aisle seat on a flight because it gives me power over the other two people next to me. you wanna go to the bathroom? need to grab something from your bag in the overhead? better ask my permission. i’m the king of row 37 bud
When I said “I’m really good in bed” I was referring to sleeping. Sorry for the misunderstanding, you can pull your pants up now.
“Make it rain” is the only appropriate response when asked if you want parmesan cheese.
Is Miley Cyrus pregnant? Will The government stay shut down? Will the GTA online servers work? Find out on the next episode of Dragon Ball Z
I once matched with a guy on a dating app who had climbed Mount Everest. Twice. And he was still single. Using an app. That’s how hard dating is holy shit
pirate captain: did you finish burying the treasure chest
me: yes, and i marked it on the map with an x
pirate captain: there’s like 20 x’s on here
me: that’s in case the map falls into the wrong hands
No intelligent people were harmed in the reading of this tweet
Therapist: What’s the problem?
Wife: He makes friends with the strangest things
Me [petting a bee]: You’re not strange are you Alan
I don’t know what my spirit animal is, but I’m pretty sure it has a cone around its neck.
A banana republic is just a regular republic that’s happy to see you.
Damn boy, is your name Dulcolax because you irritate the shit out of me.
Me: What do you think of your haircut?
Wife: I need more volume
Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?
breaking: earthling wins 70th consecutive miss universe title
“stop making a mountain out of a molehill” I don’t even know what that means Bethany maybe see a dermatologist
Did you know stuffing your bra with toilet paper works pretty well…
except when it rains.
Just because it’s called a “fireplace” doesn’t mean it’s the only place I can start a fire
*wife spends all morning convincing son not to be afraid of the dentist*
“Dad are you coming too?”
Hell no dentists scare the shit out of me
About 68% of Americans believe the government is conspiring to hide information about extraterrestrials.
That number would be higher, but alien pods already have transformed 32% of the U.S. population into replicas of their former selves.
My 12-year-old daughter has been watching Hallmark movies all day and eyeing me with increasing disdain
If cooking blogs were tweets:
Here’s how to make really easy sugar cookies!
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