@TommyKarate: I always buy a Get Well Soon card for the couple who invites me to their wedding.
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@ShipInTheKnight: Twitter is like a conversation at the water cooler. If the water cooler was full of vodka. And you could smoke. And the boss was out of town
@FatherWithTwins: 7yo: What are these? Me: Cucumbers. Last week, you said you wanted to eat more healthy. 7yo: No, I meant that DAY, not all the time
@brennadine: I'VE GOT GOATLIKE SPEED & REFLEXES "Don't you mean catlike-" BAAAH [Climbs on top of roof and begins eating shingles]