[first day as a wizard] now, to cook the perfect amount of pasta
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“found you on “i found you on
instagram” twitter”
My favorite part of Star Wars is when the angry guy was like “call me daddy”
ME: hello I’d like to return this body. it’s defective.
GOD: I’m sorry but your warranty has expired
Winnie the Pooh is an addict who doesn’t wear pants and lives in the woods. If he were a person, he’d be the first suspect in every crime.
I can’t afford an electric toothbrush, so I just roll a baby hedgehog in some toothpaste and hold in it my mouth for 15 minutes.
I don’t have a summer home, but I do have several different email addresses.
How many people in America do you think I can trick into believing that Brexit is the name of one of Sarah Palin’s kids?
Real men don’t need guns. One time I beat a burglar to death with a sleeve of Ritz crackers and used the crumblings for a casserole crust.
You are twice as likely to be killed by a vending machine then a shark.
So if you see any vending machines swimming near you, GET OUT OF THE WATER IMMEDIATELY.
“Does my uniform make me look fat?” -Insecurity guard
me: i need to leave early
boss: why
me: i don’t like it here
little known fact: less famous brother, eustice wright, invented flying a spoon of vegetables into babies’ mouths
Bugs Bunny taught me my choices aren’t limited to fight or flight, I can also pretend I’m a pretty lady.
[loudly in front of a bunch of ducks] “OH NO I SEEM TO HAVE BROUGHT TOO MUCH BREAD WITH ME WHATEVER SHALL I DO?” *ducks try to play it cool*
The Roomba is broken and now my wife expects me to fix it like she married Inspector Gadget or something.
Would you rather fight one 800lb gorilla or 800 1lb gorillas that trust you as their parent?
knocked on my neighbors door to complain about his hammering and discovered he was hosting a Thor fancy dress party
Texting you back right away doesn’t make me a psycho.
What makes me a pyscho is watching you through your window while petting your cat.
[Swims out to Sea]
*sees shark*
OH NO!
*dolphins save me*
Thanks dolphins!
*dolphins ask for a tip
[I’m broke]
*they return me to the shark*
In my defense, it was my first eulogy. I assumed it was supposed to rhyme.
sneezy geese carry a honkerchief
*Goes to zoo to see the world’s oldest tortoise.
Guide: He’s over 200 years old. How cool is that?
*Tortoise says something racist.
I have to stop paying attention when I get too close to any round number of followers, because then I notice way too easily when I lose one, and it’s like “oh no, my hot take on pencil skirts deeply alienated someone who now despises me, I must send a cookie basket”
*while scrolling Facebook
I’m so glad Congress is going to make Facebook protect my data!
*clicks on “What Harry Potter character is your social security number?”
Cigarettes that help you quit chewing gum.
Bank ads make me want to hide my money under my mattress.
They also make me want to acquire some money for hiding, but that’s a side issue.
I was passing by, and I saw this guy in the bush shouting “Help, snake help”
I just laughed because I knew the snake wasn’t going to help him “
When I told someone at work I didn’t have plans for Halloween because I’m not 5 y/o, she seemed stunned. I guess I really do look young.
If I had a time machine, I’d go back & mess with myself.
I’d delete and retweet frog my tweets monkey with random words giraffe inserted.
My favorite part of the Bible is where Jesus gives money to the rich, tells the poor to suck it up and asks for Caesar’s birth certificate.