We love walking in the cemetery but it turned into more of a jog after my dog started barking at one of those gravestones with the big kneeling angel on it.
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DATE: dessert?
MY BRAIN: im full
MY STOMACH: i want food
DATE: one piece of chocolate wont hurt
MY DOG: THAT MAN IS TRYIMG TO KILL MY OWNER
if I were Snow White I’d be like, “Holy shit how are these birds dressing me and why do they know how to color coordinate”
i missed therapy because i was up until 4am making this
[at the gym]
Trainer: You want me to spot you, bro?
Waldo: Please don’t do that.
[At microphone]
*clears throat*
“Salsa. Ballet. Conga. Waltz. Jitterbug. Tap.”
*crowd cheers*
“Thanks for attending my dance recital.”
ME: [practising my samurai sword moves in the mirror]
[ever so slightly later]
ME: [dying from massive blood loss]
the Lord of the Rings is mostly a bunch of really old guys walking around telling some 40 year old Hobbits “yeah this place used to be really cool but it sucks now”
*tells the kids to stop skateboarding in the house*
**skateboards in the house after they go to sleep**
Can I put on a tinder account that I’ve never lost at Wordle, or is that too hot?
me after drinking all the wine:
Every time I have sex I hear sitcom laughter in my head
In Flo-Rida’s song “Low” he states that Shawty is wearing the apple bottom jeans, the boots with the fur AND the Reeboks with the straps, what is she some kind of four legged morph woman? In all honesty I’m not surprised the whole club is looking at her
PERSON WHO IS A LITTLE TOO INTO CARDS DOING A FANCY SHUFFLE: Ok lads, the game is Beggar’s Summit. A pair is worth thrice, two kings is a false dawn, no peeling, no japes, player on your left ghouls and on your first deal you have to toast.
“I’ll never forget you Jack”
“Can I float on that wood too, Rose?”
“I’ll always remember you”
“Seems like there’s room for–”
“Goodbye Jack”
Cashier’s playing dumb cause I said “venti” at a non-Starbucks. You know what I mean, dude, just point me to the biggest dildo you guys got.
Welcome to your 40s, being amazing in bed now is just not waking up your partner with your snoring.
Do I have any plans? What do I look like, a goddamn architect?
I always keep my phone on me in case there’s an emergency or I have to wait for anything for more than 2 seconds.
If you’re not sure how to reply in a conversation, just ask “In what context?” to buy time & let the person rattle on for another half hour.
if I’m wearing a suit you better be dead or getting married
Kidnapper: We’ve kidnapped your son.
My dad: Please let me speak to him.
Kidnapper: He’s here.
My dad: You left the fan on, again.
“Check engine”
Yep, it’s still there.
[About to invent coffee]
Guy: I’m gonna squeeze that bean so hard
Friend: You okay Greg?
As a project I’ve started making my own coffin. Should I be concerned that my wife keeps asking how soon I can have it ready?
Feels like the fourth month in January
if god really loved all the people of the world why do our heads weigh so much.
Old timey ghosts are boring. I want to be haunted by a valley girl with giant hoop earrings.
I drove by two different First Baptist churches today.
One of them is lying.
All I got for Christmas was a sweater, I would’ve preferred a moaner or a biter.
One thing about marvel I like is that they use the same actor. It’s about 25 different Batman’s.