I always carry a condom.
I never know when things are going to get hot & heavy & I’ll have to throw a sturdy water balloon at someone.
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If you have slept with someone who sounds like Darth Vader breathing, you understand why it’s so great to sleep alone.
I found this set for $10 at a garage sale and I need someone else to be as excited about it as I am
Drug Dealer: are you wearing a wire?
Me: the only wire I’m wearing is why’re you still single?
Cops Outside In Van: *collective groan*
[aliens invading our home]
Wife: TAKE OFF YOUR SHOES, I JUST VACUUMED
“Oh man, you’ve got stretched lobes and piercings? I’ve got stretched lobes and piercings, too!”
“Sweet! We should hang out!”
– Ear buds
You don’t have to make the same mistakes your parents made. An ambitious person makes new mistakes.
some cats are just doing for fun!
COP: Are you armed?
ME: *extremely good at talking myself into a beating* I’m armed and legged.
“I” before “E”, except after “C”. That’s an efficient rule. Very efficient. Yep…efficient.
Ladies & gentlemen, this is your pilot speaking. If you look thru the left hand windows right now you’ll see me doing the worm on the runway
*quietly tries to open a bag of chips during a bank robbery*
Based on the noise, my neighbors cars is stuck in the snow. If the aim of my potato gun is correct he’s gonna have a broken windshield too.
Diet tip: If you think you’re hungry, you might just be thirsty. Have a bottle of wine first and then see how you feel.
[Sloth Job Interview]
Sloth Boss: How would you describe yourself?
*2 hours later*
Sloth Interviewee: Quick-thinking.
Studies show women find food emotionally comforting.
Please send chickpeas.
A diamond is forever, and so is my teen’s grudge against me for giving her a sister and not a brother 10 years ago.
Friend: Wow, you’ve been happily married for 25 years?! What is your secret?
Me: He travels, A LOT.
Before I got an iPhone all I heard from my husband was how “intuitive” their products were. And I couldn’t help wishing they made spouses.
ME: *gets slapped in the face by a small reptile*
“And that’s for being a jerk to your wife!”
~ Karma Chameleon
the worst part about cooking for others is not licking the utensils every time you stir something
If my body is ever found dead on a jogging trail, just know I was murdered elsewhere and dumped there.
Cat saves kid? Please. My cat would’ve pushed me into traffic, stolen my identity, & would be living it up in Mexico by now.
Being a mom means being the first one up in the morning, the last one to bed at night, and the only one drinking during church.
There is wisdom there.
Me: “I’m still tired from all the crossfit this morning.”
My co-worker: “It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ and you ate 4 of them.”
Life is stupid. You can ACCIDENTALLY make a baby but you can’t ACCIDENTALLY make a cake.
The only way I’d get within six feet of some people is if I’m standing on their grave.
I’m not feeling myself today…
…would YOU do it for me?
I haven’t been invited to my family’s Thanksgiving dinner since 12 years ago when I put pepper on my mom’s mashed potatoes without trying them first.