I always carry a jellyfish in case I need to pee on someone.
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Conflicts may arise but always remember to be the bitter person.
5: how many numbers do you love me?
Me: awww I can’t even count how much I love you cause I love you soooo much
5: aw I love you 24
I’ll play duck-duck-goose and give all gooses. I don’t give a duck.
If you only see one raccoon getting a marriage proposal today, make it this one.
I’m home alone for the first time in 45 years and I’m only 39
I’m sorry I used your Diva Cups to quarantine my sea monkeys.
[a Swarm of Bees requests to be your friend] um ok
[a Swarm of Bees has invited you to event “Come Outside”] what tha
Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.
If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.
HER: NNNNNNNN
ME: [gently rolling her onto her side]
HER: ZZZZZZZZ
So many pants.
So little yoga.
Do regular squirrels think flying squirrels are super heroes??!
I be hella fake at work using words I never use in my real life like “awesome”
I’d like to think that my exes see me as “the one who got away,” but it’s probably more like “the one who got away from the police.”
HR: So, what would you say is your greatest strength?
Me: I’m really good at stealing office supplies.
HR: *Looks down to throw away my resume but his desk is gone* Holy shit.
It’s 1:28 AM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed there’s a rustle as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a Snickers bar.
can’t believe how far my ex is going to make me jealous. moving away, not talking to me for 10 years, getting married. nice try, idiot. it’s so obvious
Them: We can’t pay for your writing, but it will be good exposure!
Me: I’ve got my own website. I can expose myself. …You know what I mean.
I don’t push people away, I just do the Macarena
booking flights on a phone is crazy. that is a laptop activity
my dad once complained about “coming home from a long day at work and having to eat on a paper plate” so my mom served him dinner in a solo cup the next day and we all ate like we didn’t notice
God *creates dinosaurs* these are perfect
Dinosaur: Are you dino-sure hahaha
God *creates asteroids*
Someone in my neighborhood is cooking bacon and now I’m wondering if I should have been more friendly to my neighbors for the last 18 years.
OMG I forgot to read my horoscope and now I have no idea what life has in store for me today!!!!!!
Step 1:Make pillows with”Love” printed on them
Step 2:Become a lawyer
Step 3:Defend men who smother their GF with love
Step 4:Become rich
It’s absurd how none of the chicks at this park are recognizing my swag *puts flip phone back in my fanny pack. Rollerblades away*
Me: i don’t believe in marriage
Also me: i will meet my husband through twitter
Grocery store just charged me $0.10 to offset the environmental impact of my bag and then gave me a paper receipt 3 feet long.
Me: did you accidentally shrink my clothes?
Wife: why do you ask?
Me: my t-shirts and jeans don’t fit anymore.
Wife: it’s probably cause of all the muscle you’ve put on recently.
Me: oh yeah [putting four corn dogs in the microwave] you’re probably right.
Someone asked if I had fun weekend plans and without hesitation I said “Costco”
current fitness level: can you spot me while I pick up this blanket?