@5hael: I always carry a jellyfish in case I need to pee on someone.
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@lisaxy424: "SOME OF US ARE TRYING TO SLEEP" I yell at the neighbor I can hear vacuuming at 1pm in the afternoon.
@hazelmotes1: Today I learned that pouring water on someone who is sleeping under an electric blanket won't electrocute them. It will only make them angry
@SteveInevitable: If I'm in a public bathroom and someone else in that same bathroom is on the phone and states that they are ANYWHERE ELSE, I flush my toilet
@SSDated: Me: *crawls in window* Him: What are you doing?! Me: You're my boyfriend now? Him: I'm calling the cops Me: But you retweeted me??