I always carry a jellyfish in case I need to pee on someone.
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I do nostril kegels. Girls love strong nostrils.
repaired
wolf: little pig, let me in
pig: not by the hair on my chinny chin chin
wolf: ok you took this to kind of a weird place
Prepare to receive the horse that you deserve
Ever smell a permanent marker and accidently color the tip of your nose black?
Related: They’re called permanent markers for a reason.
“Great minds think alike”
So do stupid minds
Sorry I have been gone for the last two days, my son had a quick story to tell me
This guy’s not having it 😆
mobster substitute teacher: so you see, the rats sleep with the fishes
kids: *nervously flipping through their zoology books*
[i read a pun]
me: ugh, no[i make a pun]
me: BEHOLD THE ARTISTRY
Best Mother’s Day ever started with my 2.5yo sleeping in till 7:30am and falling asleep at 5:30pm!
If you’re going to the hospital for a covid-19 test make sure you bring with you a valid form of identification along with a printout of your IMDB page and/or your Basketball Reference stats
Every time you push the potato button on your microwave, a potato appears in someone else’s microwave.
Can’t wait for the machines to rise up and are beaten by a firmware update
If you’re feeling butterflies in your stomach, go make yourself a sandwich. It’s called being hungry.
One of the toughest things about being single is not having anyone around to nag you to buy new underwear.
Manslaughter. The sound of a man laughing?
Wanna buy something but can’t find it online?
Just text someone about it! Instagram will show you ads the next minute.
Problem solved.
prosecutor: why did you murder that man
me: i thought he was cake
prosecutor: you “thought” he was cake?
me:
prosecutor:
me: i hoped he was cake
THE NEWS: gas prices are at an all time high
ME: *hasn’t left my house in over 2 years* oh no
translated into Canadian
“Mr Bond I’m afraid your license to chill has been revoked.” “I thought it was a license to kill” “ok that’s part of why we called you here”
*being wrestled away from mall santa by security* u hav TWO WEEKS until deadline and ur out here doing PHOTO OPS?! WHOS DOINGE THE REAL WORK
Why did they call it Big Pharma and not The Pilluminati.
creepy kid: I see dead people
me: I see people I want dead
creepy kid: but they don’t know they’re dead
me: [racks shotgun] same
Always be careful when you drink and laugh 🤣
I am never too old to redecorate your garden gnomes in the middle of the night.
[first day being homeless]
What thread count are these newspapers?
Melania Trump doesn’t want to live in the same place as her husband.
More than half of America feels the same way.