@joeljeffrey: I always carry a piece of paper with me, just in case someone tries to attack me with a rock.
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@bobvulfov: GPS: left—left again—take another left—ur gonna want to take this left—stay left NASCAR DRIVER: why is there a gps in here
@hardlyrelevant: (interview for construction job) Foreman: Your resume is just pictures of LEGOs? Me: (proudly) Didn't even have to look at the instructions
@themorris23: Is it just me, or do toasters have like 4 settings too many? They should have 1 setting that reads: "Toast"
@EndhooS: [Looking at ultrasound monitor with my wife] Wife: Look at it's little heart beating! Isn't it amazing... Me: It looks like a crossiant