I always carry a piece of paper with me, just in case someone tries to attack me with a rock.
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I like being married but not every day.
😆😜😆😜
My kids say I need to stop trying to embarrass them but joke’s on them because I’m not even trying.
*girl uploads photo*
her fake friends: 😩😍😍😍
Welcome back to school kids. Please form an orderly line.
If you don’t already have a highly contagious virus, one will be assigned to you.
SITCOM IDEA: Career criminal who keeps getting arrested because he hires an official photographer to take pictures of him doing his crimes.
You know when you use hedge trimmers but can quite get the line straight so keep cutting more and more till there’s not a lot left?
Anyway, 10 now has a short haircut
*shortly after the sinking of the Titanic*
Sebastian: Ariel, what is dis!?! You cannot have a dead human in your secret grotto!
Ariel: But I like him.
Sebastian: What would your father say!?!
I don’t know who’s worse, the people who sign their cats’ names on Christmas cards, or the cats who refuse to sign.
May you never experience disappointment like that of finding unmelted cheese on the second layer of nachos
Indiana Jones & the hopscotch of doom.
In honor of the longest night of the year I will also be cold, distant &filled with darkness.
Had a dream I went to the chiropractor in a shirt that showed some of my back.
Chiropractor: Do you think you have a fungus on your back?
Me: Do YOU think I have a fungus on my back? YOU’RE looking at it.
My kids keep asking for a cat, so tonight we’re watching Pet Cemetery.
them: your tweet is missing a word
me: it’s missing a bunch, do you have any idea how many words there are?
Yo. Real shit. Just bcause you went and got your logo printed on some t-shirts, that does NOT mean you have a clothing company. U got shirts
Her: What’s with the bunny?
Him: I’m teaching him to look into the mirror and say, “you talkin’ to me?”
Her: Why?
Him: Because Rabbit Deniro is a badass and an artist, Lauren.
My bank statement looks like a 9 yr old stole my debit card & used it to eat lunch at every shitty place he could think of for a month.
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
friend: how long have you had that bourbon?
me: 20 years.
friend: why don’t you just drink it?
me: drinking age is 21 dude.
Me: I have too much to do, there’s not enough hours in this day!
Also me: *takes buzzfeed quiz to see what my Easter Bunny name is*
[hell]
Me: Why am I here?
Devil: You told people you’d say hi to other people 3,789 times but only did it 4 times.
Me: OK that’s fair.
Stop asking dumb questions on the internet; ask for money.
My sister just had a baby and I texted the family group chat “oh shit new nephew just dropped” and no one found it funny they were just ashamed of me, which they should be
While editing, I was trying to write: “maybe this should be in bold, for emphasis”, and instead wrote “in blood”. Still works!
there are differences between normal surfing and crowd surfing for example when you crowd surf people get upset if you pee
SCIENTIST: it’s our thinnest toilet paper yet, sir. less than a picometer
CEO: *rips it by breathing on it* put it in every public restroom
It’s National Donut Day and I have failed to eat a single donut. 2020 is truly a catastrophe…
I have a habit of 5 starring bad movies on amazon because if I wasted 90+ minutes on that crap, I want you to suffer too.
[take your kid to work day]
COWORKER: is this your son steven?
ME: actually it’s stephen
COWORKER: oh okay. how old is he?
ME: sephen
WIFE: can you put the baby to sleep
ME: *trying to get the baby in a chokehold* his head’s too small it’s not working