@Cheeseboy22: I always cary a clump of my hair in my pocket so when people say, "I like your haircut", I can respond with, "Thanks. Here, have some."
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@Asbo_Unicorn: It is better to have loved and lost than have your face ripped off by a chimpanzee
@rockymomax: ME: someone stole my credit card number BANK: why would they spend $187 at a hot dog stand? ME: [hangs head in shame] that wasn't them
@MinchinRob: GF: I'm sick of communicating via walkie talkies. I think we should breakup ME: we should breakup what? OVER GF: its over ME: its what? OVER
@PandAmonnia: "YES, MOM! NO CRUST! You've been making my sandwiches for 37 years now, STOP ASKING!" *mom leaves crust on so you'll finally move out*