@Cheeseboy22: I always cary a clump of my hair in my pocket so when people say, "I like your haircut", I can respond with, "Thanks. Here, have some."
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@TheHyyyype: [i'm on the ship's deck, dragging around a board by a rope] PIRATE CAPTAIN: *rubs temples* that's not what i meant by "walk the plank"
@staceys55: Police: "You were going fast." Me: "I was trying to keep up with traffic." Police: "There isn't any." Me: "That's how far behind I am!"
@McGrumpenstein: Romeo: ...arise fair sun, and kill the envious moon *Romeo slides an envelope of money over* Romeo: *whispers* make it look like an accident