I always cary a clump of my hair in my pocket so when people say, “I like your haircut”, I can respond with, “Thanks. Here, have some.”
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I almost slept through the whole thing
*best day ever*
Seriously joggers?! You’re gonna run and carry on a conversation at the same time?
And I’m all outta breath just finishing this McMuffin!!!
My 6yo proudly made her own breakfast this morning: “a pile of ham”
Grocery store
Me: reach something for me?
Tall guy: sure thing!
Me: I have an itch right under my left shoulder blade.
she think she can manipulate me wit them crystals, girl u is not Thanos
It’s important to listen to both sides of the debate because you need to hear both the reality of the situation and also the dumbest thing anyone’s ever said
I hate cooking, but I am excited to debut my cookbook “Toast On A Paper Towel, 365 Ways.”
After all these years I still know how to make my husband moan loudly, I just ask him to do a chore around the house.
Me: *mouth full* When pizza’s on a bagel, you can eat pizza anytime.
Widow: I still think you could have waited until after the service.
This woman on TikTok asked what centaurs do with their arms when they are galloping, and I can’t stop thinking about it.
When serial killers can’t afford to travel, they take slaycations
Are you there Santa?
It’s me, Midge
Standing in line at the grocery store. Lady behind me says “you can move up and stand on that X on the floor”
I politely said “No, I’ve seen far too many Road Runner cartoons to fall for that”
Keep your friends close and your enemies tied to a train track.
Me: (filling the medicine cabinet with ping pong balls)
Him: What are you doing?
Me: I invited your family over for dinner tonight.
6: you’ll always be my mom right?
me: definitely, you’ll always be my baby!
6: what if you’re dead
me: wtf
Just got your text from last night: you need to cut the red wire first to stop the countdown.
Always get worried when I see a “thieves operate here” sign. Who is letting thieves do surgery?
the council will decide your fate
Why don’t you sing about it?
– Walt Disney as a therapist
Doctor: It’s really not that bad. I’ll get you fixed up with 8 stitches.
Me, uninsured: Do I hear 5 stitches?
The last apple tree in the world shrivels up and dies. In the distance a horde of doctors are ready.
If your child walks out of the bathroom with a cup of water, always ask where the water came from. I know this now.
What a year we’ve had this week.
Me: and i love that thing u do with ur tongue piercing..
Wife: OMG [storms off]
Me: WRITING OUR OWN VOWS WAS YOUR IDEA LYDIA
[Priest faints]
Snuck a peak at my therapist’s notepad after telling her about my childhood, and it was just dollar signs.
Shoutout to my upstairs neighbors who wrestled a large moose last night
[fumbling with my phone as I’m being murdered]
ME: *takes picture of my home screen*
Putin: I have returned Russia to its glory days, once again we have launched a dog into space
Reporter: when will it return
Putin: WHat
There were things in the big “I got scammed” piece that I think I’d have fallen for and things I think I wouldn’t have, but if an ostensible law enforcement officer tells me I cannot get a lawyer I am getting a Triple Deluxe Lawyer