I always cary a clump of my hair in my pocket so when people say, “I like your haircut”, I can respond with, “Thanks. Here, have some.”
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I won’t say I neglect my appearance but I will say I just shaved my legs at my desk after wearing a skirt to work.
This is about the time of year where my enthusiasm about shoveling snow turns into “it will probably melt on it’s own”
to everyone who met me 5 years ago im sorry i was hacked
A girl started to drink barbecue sauce like it was water and I just stood there and watched because I haven’t been trained for this
What idiot named them Minions and not Gru-pies
I wear workout clothes to get Burger King breakfast so the drive thru lady thinks I worked out first. Dont be afraid to live your best life.
we did it. we made it through the 300 days of january. congratulations everyone
[war]
COLONEL: The enemy is nearing…we need to turn up the heat
DAD SOLDIER: I am not paying to heat the entire war
When people get food poisoning they always tell you it came out both ends. But there’s no need to malign the a** in that scenario, the food was going to come out of there regardless of whether it was poisonous
From /u/rocketman on r/antiwork: “Thought of you guys when my manager handed me this. I laughed out loud.”
*yells from the back of an ambulance*
“Can you drop me off at the corner, I can’t afford this!”
My wife handed me a clean towel and asked me to “put it in its place.” So, I looked at it and said, “Don’t forget that you’re only a towel,” and I was reminded yet again of just how lucky this woman was to be married to me.
With children it’s important to be specific. For example, I told my 5-year-old to sneeze into an elbow. He sneezed into an elbow. My elbow.
Boss: I want only essential employees in the office.
[next day]
Boss [looking at me]: why are you here
Is this cat saying Meow or Mao? Cause I’m not keepin some commie cat
How enormous was the spider I just found in my bathtub? It put down its Kindle, grabbed a nearby towel, and muttered, “Does nobody in this house knock?”
Snail 1: Are you male or female?
Snail 2: Yes
Snail 1: Me too!
[they kiss passionately]
The amount of time you spend cleaning your house before a friend comes over is inversely proportional to the quality of that friendship.
ok, hypothetically, if I stop to smell the roses, will I have to bend down to smell the roses or are these roses already at nose height
Me: Hey Alexa, why does my bellybutton smell like-
Alexa: OHMYGOD WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE
An apostrophe is just a comma
trying to move up in the world.
Absolutely no one
Me (3 days later thinking): hmm he never argued against the fact that I said I weigh more than him….
Congratulations to the sweater, another year of being the most disgustingly named piece of clothing.
getting v. tired of living inside an interesting part of next century’s history textbooks
Not sure if I want buns of steel, or buns of cinnamon.
Some dude called me a nerd so I hit him with my Quidditch broom
Boyfriend is mad at me because he said people are silly to spend $300 on tickets to “Shen Yun: 5,000 Years of Civilization Reborn” and I told him that’s a great deal in terms of years of civilization per dollar
[Walking thru a dark alley late at night]
Thug: This is an arm robbery!
Me: Don’t u mean “armed” robbery?
Thug: *takes out chainsaw* Nope
My friend’s offering to pay for a trip to NY to be her +1 for a wedding.
She’s probably going to drug me & sell my organs. *agrees to go 🙂
My neighbor won’t understand why I hide in my car until she has kids.