I always close the door to the bathroom even if I’m home alone. What if someone broke in and saw me peeing? That would be so embarrassing
You Might Also Like
Every single new fish they find is gross. Why are we still looking for more? ALL THE GOOD FISH LIVE NEAR THE TOP. Give it up, idiots.
Me: I’d like to withdraw some daylight from my savings please
Bank: sorry no
Me: look I’ve been inside for 8 weeks now, there must be *something* in there
Bank: ok thats not really how this works
Me: omg this is daylight robbery
Florist: “Would you like your flowers wrapped?”
Me: “Nope, they’re going right into the shredder before I give them to my sister-in-law.”
Me: Bless me Father, for I have sinned.
Padre: What is your sin, my child?
Me: Twitter.
Padre: Wow, if I had a nickel for every time . . .
sure nickleback is great but have you guys ever heard of quarterback? they’re like 5 times better
[trying to sleep]
Me: ok, just breathe and relax.
Brain: OR WE COULD TRY AND FIGURE OUT THE EXACT MOMENT ALL YOUR HOPES AND DREAMS DIED
customer behind me in line: hey I think your phone is ringing
me: oh *declines it* thank you
me: why can’t I crack this egg open
wife: because it’s a lemon
me: first my car and now this
ME: I’ll have the pasta with mushroom, aka the fungus of the woods.
DATE: You know when you say it like that it’s not very appetizing.
ME: Oh, sorry! I’ll have the shrimp instead, aka the cockroach of the sea.
The superstition where you hold your breath as you drive past a cemetery sounds like a ploy by Big Cemetery to fill more cemeteries.
People calling themselves a Personal Coach right now feels a lot like that time I called myself a Soccer Coach when my son was six.
going ballistic. anyone need anything?
Fortune Cookie:
You will go on a date with a beautiful woman. She could do so much better.
wife: Why would you bring a dog to an interview?
me: Why wouldn’t you bring a dog to an interview?
Me: If you pay a mime enough, they’ll talk
The other mimes at the protest: [visibly furious]
Weighing yourself is like the sex. It’s always best if you get naked first…
So we asked papa johns to write a joke on our pizza
I started drinking more water and now all my workouts consist of walking back and forth to the bathroom.
Sorry, I didn’t mean to lol your poetry
I feel like all bears are Bad News Bears. I’ve never seen a bear and was like “Oh, he looks like he has good news for us, lets stick around”
The duck was completely silent the entire ride. Didn’t say a single word to me. Five stars.
ME: Hi, come get me. This house is weird and someone is snoring.
MOM: Honey, for the last time you’re not at a sleepover. You’re married.
Based on this ideal weight chart, I should be big boned, 3 inches taller, and a man.
Her: You should meditate.
Me: And be alone with my thoughts? No thank you.
“Go ahead, caller. . .”
“Yes, hello. My dog dug up a femur and I’d like to make soup. Would you suggest carrots or potatoes?”
Living in Switzerland wouldn’t be so bad. The flag is a plus.
My lotion bottle says to use it on areas of irritation, so I slathered it all over my coworker, Deborah.
I forgot to bring my bags to the grocery store, people looked at me like I drove there on an aerosol can, then slit a baby seal’s throat.
[What I think he saw]
Me, seductively sucking and licking my index finger in a flirtatious way.
[What he actually saw]
Me, gagging and drooling while fishing a popcorn kernel off the back of my throat.
At Olive Garden my 9 year old told the server, “Compliments to the chef!” Then he leaned too far and fell backward out of his chair.