I always cry at those YouTube videos of babies getting hearing aids and hearing their mother’s criticism for the first time.
You Might Also Like
I thought maybe we could try to make it on Dateline as a a couple.
welcome to your forties now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder
Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams
Ask your Doctor if Adderall can help you vigorously scrub your floors and alphabetize your clothing instead of studying.
Just saw my evil doppelganger speed away in a DeLorean. I’m sure it’s fine
13: I’m hungry… can I have a snack?
Me: what do you want?
13: what do we have?
Me: the same things we always have
13: like what tho
animation is NOT for kids. animation is for nobody. drawings have no business moving like that
My hot pink mouth is wide open for you, sugar.
Donut: ….
“What are you going to be when you grow up?”
Tired.
The answer is tired.
Wanna feel old? This is Calvin and Hobbes now
It frustrates me when people refuse to adopt the technology of the day and respond promptly to my faxes.
My little sister is bringing her black boyfriend to my grandparents’ house for Thanksgiving so I’m bringing popcorn and a comfortable chair.
FRIEND: How’s the new girlfriend?
ME: She’s a real queen bee.
FRIEND: *rolls eyes* Haha. Suuure.
*a faint buzzing from my pocket*
ME: Dude, she’s right here.
Does anyone know where I can hire a pirate ship, a sturdy crew and a young boy who can read haunted treasure maps? The reason? It’s… for a podcast I’m doing.
Before crowbars crows drank alone
CAT: mew
ME: indeed, u are correct kitty
CAT: mew
ME: well said, kitty, well saidFRIEND I FORGOT WAS THERE: are u ok…? Emotionally?
I’m not buying a coffee table until I finish walking around the furniture store barefoot kicking legs to see which hurts the least.
Her: so tell me a fun fact
Me: the plural of octopus is really octopodes!
H: I mean about yourself…
M: …I know the plural of octopus
*Rolls window down*
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: is it because I’m literally running down the street pretending to be a car?
Na mad people full this app… 😂😂😂
I can’t tell if I lost weight or stretched out my pants beyond the point of no return.
4 out of 5 dead husbands agree that last casserole tasted really strange.
*finds sheet of bubble wrap in drawer*
Hmm…
*presses intercom button*
Janet? Cancel my appointments today. Something important just came up.
*Hears sound in the middle of the night*
Mildly afraid – it’s an intruder.
Absolutely terrified – it’s going to wake my toddler.
My hair looks amazing today. I hope I see everybody I hate.
Me: Day 5,308. The search for intelligent life continues..
Coworker: You know we can hear you, right?
Me: Still no signs…
Them: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
I love when pretty people say that they’re ugly so that I can agree with them and watch the life drain from their faces.
When your coworker tells you they are getting a divorce a high five is not the right answer.
Or so I’ve been told.
Twice now.
When a band has Z’s where S’s should be in their name, I’m like, “Woah, watch out! These bad boys aren’t playing by society’s rules.”