I always dream of being a millionaire
like my uncle!… He’s dreaming too.
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Kids: Mom, what happened to our college fund?
Me: Avocados.
“want to go grab some dinner?”
*lights cat on fire* sorry I can’t my cats on fire
Sometimes I wish I was a mermaid. Maybe then HR would stop hassling me for wearing a seashell bra on casual Fridays.
[police station]
LIEUTENANT: do you have an alibi for the night of the murders
SAILOR: i was a hundred feet below sea level in a submarine
SERGEANT: dammit boss that’s airtight
*GF walks in dressed up
“Who’s the babe and what’ve you done with my gf?”
GF: Haha
*tackles imposter and puts her in choke hold
WHERE IS SHE
My boss: There are no stupid questions
Me: Do people get discounted manicures if they’re missing a finger?
My boss: I’m going home early
Her: “Want to see a picture of my baby?” Me: “Does it look like a baby?” Her: “Yes…” Me: “Seen it”
After the hipster got his girl pregnant, he wouldn’t shut up about how he was into her before she got big.
I love you but I still wish your family would just pay the ransom.
Me: I love you.
3yo: I love you
Me: Are you my big kid?
3yo: Yup
Me: Are you my sweet boy?
3yo: *thinking* No…just a big kid.
ah shit, i accidentally left my gender reveal pressure cooker on a crowded train
my boss just walked in on me ripping a piece of paper in half with the word “Boss” written on it
I might not be girlfriend material but I’m definitely
I spent the last twenty minutes telling my wife about plot holes that I’ve found in the frozen film franchise. So I guess this is who I am now.
I’m not paying the ransom for my son. We do not negotiate with hospitals.
I used the word pizza six times in my marriage vows.
How many dates should you wait before revealing that you’re not proficient in Excel?
Nothing makes me scream louder during sex than when my husband calls to let me know he’s on his way home from work.
My wife is listening to an ad about chainsaws. I’m worried.
*takes off hat*
“I’m afraid I have some bad news ma’am”
*puts on her hat*
“I’ve stolen your hat”
I just want to be as happy as a character in the first half hour of a horror movie
*When I see someone else jaywalk*
“What an idiot.”
*When I jaywalk*
“I am a trained professional. Do not attempt this yourself.”
5 year old: Where does wind come from, daddy?
Me: It comes from people asking too many questions.
After many years of cat ownership you really understand cats… until you get a second cat.
OMG, GODZILLA IS COMING TO ATTACK NEW ENGLAND AND WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE-oh, he said huge blizzard, not lizard… Carry on then.
ME: we need to take actionable steps to combat climate change
ME: *after two glasses of wine* i will do it. i will fight the freaking sun
wonder why hedge mazes fell out of fashion? we need to get to the centre of this issue.
I cried because my Wi-Fi was slow until I saw a guy stuck talking with his kids because he had no internet at all.
Her: Your life just doesn’t seem to have a direction.
Me: “Down” is a direction, Brenda.
Swiss cheese is cheating cheese cause there’s holes where there could be more cheese stay woke.