I always dream of being a millionaire
like my uncle!… He’s dreaming too.
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Me: *watches six consecutive hours of SVU*
Also me (brushing teeth for two minutes twice a day): Thith ith bullthit.
It’s such poor planning that “ninja” doesn’t have a least one silent letter.
You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!
Boss: You’re fired
Me: *turns in my gun and my badge*
Boss: You’re a waiter where did you get those
Can we just cut the crap and make all serving sizes based on an actual person? No one is sitting down in front of the TV like “Can’t wait to eat these 9 chips!”
Overheard at the hardware store today …
Clerk: This interior house paint dries in 3 to 4 hours.
Customer: How much longer will it take to dry in the dark?
[leans against bus stop as bus approaches & winks at girl waiting]
I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.
I’ve been inventing problems to hide the fact that I spend all my time on twitter. But it’s cool because now my kid thinks I know how to fix the leaky drip tray on the piano and can properly set a fallen eagle’s broken wing.
I hate it when women announce they’re pregnant five minutes after they’ve peed on a stick, just for the attention.
My mom waited almost 20 years before she told anyone about me. It’s called decorum.
Raisins are grape jerky.
Me: *tries to sneak a pic of someone but forgets flash is on
Did you just take my picture?
Me: *starts to make thunder noises
🎶 Never gonna get you out
Never gonna heat you up
Never gonna remember I wanted to eat you-me, putting leftovers away in the fridge
Walked into my home office to participate as an attorney in a Zoom hearing, and my cat was on the desk staring at the prosecutor on the Zoom screen.
THAT’S WHY YOU JOIN WITHOUT VIDEO, PEOPLE.
[first person to see an ostrich]
Check out that chicken horse.
magician: can i get a volunteer from the audience
me: *already sawing myself in half*
I sleep with a squirt gun under my pillow just in case a gang of cats break in while I’m sleeping.
so much to do
I’m having lunch with my mom today. I can’t wait to hear how tired and unmarried I look.
I’ve got a really bad feeling about this bathroom, you guys.
[during a huddle in a crucial ice hockey match]
ME: Ok listen up guys[all the other players look at me]
ME: Is….is anyone else cold?
Me: I only wanted a little mayo! I can’t eat this!
Him: Does it matter that much?
Me: Well, would you like me to stab you a little or a lot?
Wait…so I get a million dollars AND I get to punch a baby in the face?
-me when someone asks if I would punch a baby for a million bucks
Her: Did you find the restroom?
Me: Yes. Now we can do some doody free shopping LOL
Found out my sіster ate my leftovers whіle І was at work, now І’m starіng out the wіndow lіke І’m іn a sad early 2000’s musіc vіdeo.
Are there people that are so into beating dead horses that we had to create an idiom to discourage them from doing so?
I’ve made 2 terrible decisions in my life and they’re both outside throwing rocks at the new neighbors.
*Opens a window and the wind blows 42 corndogs from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
I hand-wrote a letter today and now I have the measles and a wood-stove.
my body’s saying “let’s go,” but my heart is saying “a pet iguana is a huge responsibility, mark.”
i just blocked everyone who’s face i don’t like, so if you’re seeing this…hiii