@caseytduncan: I always eat duck with a few slices of cheap bread, because I know they would've enjoyed it.
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@rockymomax: COP: drop the gun CRIMINAL: no COP: [flipping through police handbook, whispers to partner] it doesnt say what to do if he says no
@RandomManik: I stole a seat from an old man and he remarked, "Chivalry is Dead". I said, "I'm sorry, I didn't know. He wasn't even trending on Twitter".
@Home_Halfway: The proper way to make a Caesar salad is to repeatedly stab it with dozens of other people in a Senate building.
@CliffDuffy: Becky on Facebook is having a bad hair day and wonders if anything will ever go right. Be strong Becky, be strong. Also shut up.