I always eat duck with a few slices of cheap bread, because I know they would’ve enjoyed it.
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If you live in the U.S., date someone in Australia. That way when they dump you it will be tomorrow, and you don’t have to deal with it yet.
WIFE: Do we have any orange juice?
ME: I don’t think so
WIFE: Well do we have any orange juice concentrate?
ME: I AM CONCENTRATING!
how is March already THIS WEEK, I’m still processing the industrial revolution era of 1820-1840
caterpillar: *walks*
snake: okay what
caterpillar: *grows wings*
snake: OKAY WHAT
My 6-year-old is sick with a cough, so I told him gargling with warm salt water can help. He looked at me & said, “I’m NOT going all the way to the ocean right now.”
Good luck with my paper jam, next person.
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
#NationalGardeningDay
I found your suicide note and corrected some grammatical errors. You’re good to go.
Relax TV weatherman with your sciencey explanation of today’s fog. It’s a cloud on the ground, just say it. Help me not hate you.
I bought a small box on amazon and unsurprisingly it came in a large box
[Staring deep into David Schwimmer’s eyes]
“I’m afraid I only like you as a Friend”
If someone asks me to do something I was already planning to do, I will leave the COUNTRY to emphasize how much I’m not doing it anymore.
Running Up That Hill by Kate Bush plays as the camera pans to me chasing an ice cream truck in my flip flops.
when dads have a rap battle
Marriage is the leading cause of Irreconcilable Differences.
PATIENT: How tough was medical school for a dog like you?
DR DOG: *thinking back on all the homework he ate* It wasn’t easy
I TRY to shoot all of my garbage into outer space, but usually it just lands in my neighbor’s backyard.
With the holidays upon us, please dont forget what they stand for. Family, friends & punching strangers at the mall because they cut in line
Diets are for people who can’t afford to buy bigger clothes.
I live in constant fear that someone will abduct my mother in law at 35 Ash Street, London, Flat 2, door is sticky buzz Carol to let you in.
First of all the thin slices you eat to straighten up the cake don’t count
People that don’t tweet for months and then show up like nothing happened…
Was it jail? I bet it was jail.
That’s great about your engagement, promotion and new car.
I grabbed the EXACT amount of hangers I needed to put away laundry.
Samsies!
Cooking is easy if you’re single as long as you have a mom, leftovers and a microwave.
me: I’ll have the prime rib
waiter: excellent choice sir
me:
waiter: do we really have to do this yet again sir
me: *after sliding to the other side of the table and putting on a blonde wig* oooooh it all looks so good what do you recommend
How many followers do I need more before I start tweeting quotes from Shakespeare and Mark Twain as my own?
Hotel California is basically a negative Yelp review with a two minute guitar solo.
DAD: when your grandpa died we planted that tree so we don’t forget him
ME: cool
[later]
TREE: You still remember grandpa chuck?
ME: yeah
TREE: cool just checkin
Co-worker: “If you love something, set it free, if it comes back it’s yours to k..”
Me – “THOSE ARE BOOMERANGS, MICHELLE.”
Some of my friends have really unattractive children and I don’t say a word I just carry this heavy cross