@Bmittone: I always feel bad for seedless watermelon because what if they wanted to have babies.
@dafloydsta: INTERVIEWER: How would you define yourself?
ME: *don't let her know you're a delicious chocolate cake* Moist
@girlontapas: My mom bought me a bottle of whiskey as a Xmas gift...
She seemed a little upset that I said she should've mailed it ahead of her visit.
@ddsmidt: I'm at my most fake news when I tell my husband how much money I spent shopping.
@dxblarssonENG: Mute the voices in your head by eating really crunchy food.