I always feel bad for seedless watermelon because what if they wanted to have babies.
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Whenever someone is about to tell me about their day, I just cover my ears and yell “SPOILER ALERT!”
Unfortunately for Jane and Skipper, the hypnotist forgot to bring them out of the trance.
Me: I got bitten on my walk by a Great Dane
Her: My God – imagine if it had been a small child
Me: I could have fought off a small child, Alice
Mugger: “Hand over your wallet and that ring you’re wearing.”
Me: “You can have my wallet but I’m going swimming and I need the inflatable to help me stay afloat.”
[Planning Rustic Vacation]
Me: Should we rent a cabin or a cottage?
Her: What’s the difference?
M: Well, cottages are usually home to witches who eat children; cabins usually contain partying teens who get murdered by a psychopath.
H: I meant in price.
The A string on my guit_r is flat
Who you are when a wasp gets too close to you is the real you.
Whenever I meet one of my 15 y/o’s bf’s, I always ask “Have you ever taken karate?”. “No sir”. “Well u fuckin better” !
Good parenting 101
[1st Date]
Her: Ask me something you really want to know about me…
Me: Ever had the urge to water balloon fight someone until death?
911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
[kids fighting in the back seat]
ME: I SWEAR TO GOD I WILL PULL OVER AND START A PODCAST RIGHT NOW IF YOU 2 DON’T CUT IT OUT.
*robbing a bank with a chainsaw*
Me: GIVE ME ALL Y-
Teller: WHAT
M: GIVE ME THE MONEY
T: SIR YOU CAN’T HAVE THAT IN HERE
M: WHAT
Why does ma Nana’s dog look like he’s trying tae see what he wants tae order from the chippy
Daniel slept in a lions den
Peter slept in a prison
Jesus slept in a stormNo matter the circumstance, you can always take a nap.
When your divorced parents are forced to sit together at your wedding.
Rescued a Roomba from eBay and gave it a forever home.
Wife [interrogating]: How long have we been married dear?
Me: How dare you try and sneak maths into this.
Doctor: “You have lost a lot of blood.”
Me: “That’s not good.”
Doctor: “It’s not. You are the worst manager this blood bank has ever seen.”
I just couldn’t get into “The walking dead”. It was far too unrealistic and fake for me. I mean, come on, an Asian guy named Glenn???
[changes out of pajama pants with pockets to pajama pants without pockets]
Bedtime.
Some people ask, what would Jesus do. I ask, will it frighten the squirrels?
ME: Good morning
TODDLER: I don’t want to be a mermaid. I want to be a shark with legs.
My most difficult parenting challenge to date is when my toddler shouted “oh my god, not again!” when my over talkative neighbour came to chat to us and I had to try not to laugh
Kurt Cobain did not die for you to wear his t-shirt to an Imagine Dragons concert
[mattress store interview]
“What would you bring to this job?”
A blanket, some cheetos, wrinkle cream, probably a television.
Chief cop: “This might be racially motivated.”
Ian: “Hate crime?”
Chief cop: “We all hate crime, Ian. That’s why we are cops.”
[trick-or-treating]
Her: *crying* Mommy, she gave me an orange with a pumpkin drawn on it!
Me: Honey, hold mommy’s flask for a minute.
Tony Hawk: *does a 360*
Tony Owl: *does a 360 while doing a 180*
KANYE: I made Taylor Swift famous
TRUMP: We should ban all Muslims
KANYE: BILL COSBY INNOCENT
TRUMP: THE POPE SUCKS
KANYE: damn ur good
The casting of the Little Mermaid is a joke. You need someone who can hold their breath for an hour and a half at least or the movie just isn’t believable.