I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.
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Fred: Take his mask off, let’s see who he really is.
Velma: No Fred, we are in the middle of a pandemic.
Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
“Mom, I promise I won’t interrupt your nap.” “Thanks honey, could I finish peeing by myself?”
I don’t remember taking this vow of celibacy.
She was Hannah Montana when Bush was president. Thanks, Obama.
Based on her reaction I don’t think my toddler will ever forgive me for gently wiping her face.
I like to diffuse situations with humor
And a machete
you question the benefit of a $1000 stimulus payment and I challenge you to name a problem 1k donuts can’t solve
I like telling people to “grow up” because even if they hate me I can visit them ten years later and say “Took my advice I see”
got so drunk last night that I ate a salad
Do they charge extra if you want to get a tattoo of an avocado?
My wife’s so square in bed she has cubic hair
i know how hard it must have been for my parents to tell me there was no santa because i just had to tell my parents there’s no jesus
We went to the planetarium today and when the voiceover said “this is the earth” one of the kids booed
“Its odd how the Church just lets
pedophile’s grant forgiveness”Anyway…thats why I’m not allowed
in Confession anymore.
I’m just saying, if we can genetically alter animals, why haven’t we designed a fly that can find its own way out of a house?
I suppose in many ways we are all on our fifth attempt to open a dinosaur amusement park.
Honestly people shouldn’t even be allowed to talk until they’re like 35 years old.
My 5yo: Mommy what are shark cooties.
Me: …. What?
5: Ava said shark cooties are her favorite snack.
Me: …..
Me: CHARCUTERIE. She likes charcuterie.
DAUGHTER, AGE 6: My legs are running away from the ghosts of my feet!
ME: Ha ha, you’re so silly
[later]
ME: *waking her up at 2am* Sweetie, Daddy has several questions
Dead animal names:
A dead fly is called a flew
A dead goose is a ghoost
A dead gnu is a gnold
A dead pig is a bacon
Came home and my cat was on the porch cuddling with a baby skunk. When the skunk saw me he took off like I had caught him in bed with my girlfriend.
person: want to hold our baby?
me: why
There is “Tea” in Team and I am not sure what I am trying to say here but it’s very inspirational.
I swear 75% of being a divorce lawyer is just answering emails from clients saying, “No. No. No. You absolutely cannot do that, no.”
my niece: I love dogs! They’re so cute and smart and fun! I really really really want a dog!
me: I walked seven blocks with a stinky bag of steaming dog poop this morning
my niece: maybe a cat
Delivery!
Mail!
Dog!
Bunny!
A leaf fell!
Wind!
Nothing!
Nothing again!-My dog’s daily announcements
Me: I should tell him how I feel.
Beer: Nah.
Vodka: Just be sweet about it.
Whiskey: Or yell it.
Tequila: MAKE SURE YOU CRY GUYS LOVE THAT
Did you know stuffing your bra with toilet paper works pretty well…
except when it rains.