@rad_milk: i always get gatorade and gasoline confused. my car is real good at sports and im dead
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@Lisa_Laughs_: Me: I can't work today. Boss: Why? M: My grandma died. B: Our grandmas died 20 yrs ago. M: ... -Why working for your brother is a bad idea.
@JohnLyonTweets: Thanks for telling me this is your "pet cat" because otherwise I might have thought it was your business associate cat.
@SufficientCharm: *Squatting over cat litter box* Husband: What the fu- Me: THERE'S A SPIDER IN THE BATHROOM