I think the real life lesson Darth Vader tries to teach us is having children can ruin your life
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Day 218 of making fun of CrossFit.
My grandma got her bathroom redone with this sparkly gold-specked tile and she just called it her “golden shower” so goodnight.
PROPOSAL: Rebrand shootings as “late-term abortion.” Watch the GOP scramble to stop them.
SHUT UP. BEES CAN’T SPELL.
[drive-thru at 2am]
Whaazzuupp!? Lemme gets 12 tacos, 6 burritos, and a Diet Coke. Booyah!
Neighbor’s mailbox: …
When in doubt, ask yourself WWBD: What Would Beyoncé Do? Would she apply for a job? Nope. She’d just show up one day like “I work here now.”
[debate, 2020 election]
Moderator: President Trump said you will ‘hurt badly the growth’ – how do you respond?
Oprah: So perhaps everyone in American right now could…take a look under their seats
Me, at home, finding a toaster oven: holy shit
Establish dominance at your in-laws by continuing to eat that piece of fruit even though you didn’t know it was plastic.
I think my new neighbors are creeps. They seem to be looking into my window every time I’m looking out my window to see what they are doing.
My skin is so dry that I can’t tell if it’s kidding.
me: *trying to quickly and quietly go to the bathroom at 3am so I stay asleep
my dog: Oh cool, you’re up. What should we do now? Play with a ball? Go for a walk? Breakfast? Do you want to scratch me?
In Transylvania, it’s your Count that votes.
FRIEND: *miming finger guns*
ME: *miming getting shot, crawling to safety, using crude implements and whiskey to perform self-surgery, successfully removing the bullet, passing out*
FRIEND: I forgot you do that
COP: what do you think made Gordon Ramsay assault you?
ME: well, he said he was going to show me how to make a three bean chili and when i said a chili should have like, at least thirty beans in it, that’s when he threw the spatula at me
Boss confused me with another employee and fired me. Then called two days later to fire me for not showing up for 2 days. #HowIGotFired
Satan giving a tour of hell: “Over there we have people who make that sound when they chew gum and idiots who use hashtags on Facebook.”
Hold a grudge? I’m still mad at a song from 1995 that confused irony with coincidence.
Flying Monkey: Notice she only calls us “pretties” when she wants something.
STOP disrespecting my family
my mom is THOUGHTFUL AND STRONG
my dad is PRINCIPLED AND SINCERE
my brother is SELFLESS AND KIND
me
my grandmother is A SAINT
*wakes up kids in the middle of the night* hey. hey sssshhhh. is pikachu just a cat with makeup on
Boy George: Do You Really Want To Hurt Me?
2020: Haha you have no idea.
If you’re looking for ideas, a family bike ride is another fun way to sit and listen to your kids complain for an hour.
That awkward moment when someone is cooking fish in the office and all the girls begin sniffing themselves.
[first day as a private investigator]
Boss: you’re late
Me: I couldn’t find the building
g
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r: what can I do for you?me: sorry, I’m looking for a landscape gardener
If you apologize and someone says “you’re fine” they want to kill you
Breaking news:
If you’re a couple who sit on the same side of the booth, I’mma slide into the empty seat and eat your fries. Stop creeping everyone out.