@ItsAndyRyan: I always go the extra mile at work. That's why I'm a terrible taxi driver.
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@LackOfShame: I've never been as disappointed as my dog just was when she realized the food I dropped was a carrot.
@SteveDutzy: I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.
@Reverend_Scott: WIFE: Why is the zoo calling us about a missing coyote? ME: [bleeding profusely] So... not a dog