As I sit in isolation for hours, planning to keep a safe distance from my family, I hear them outside the door, shouting words of encouragement.
Like my kids saying, “Make us breakfast!”
And my wife adding, “GET OUT OF THE BATHROOM. YOU AREN’T SICK!”
You Might Also Like
I always feel a little guilty when a bum catches me eating food out of the garbage because I want to, not because I need to.
‘I just liked camping alone, you know?’
~Jason Voorhees, in therapy
You know instead of saying half a dozen you could just say 6, right?
Wife: You’ve been a naughty boy
Me: Yes I have!
Wife: You need to be punished *takes off clothes*
Me: Yes, I do!
Wife: Do the laundry
This buffalo chicken salad would be great if it weren’t for all this salad
Not sure which is more mortifying, the dog bringing your dirty panties to the repairman or the repairman balling them up and throwing them for her.
This cheeseburger fits perfectly into my purse if I leave my wallet out
The more dinner parties you host for your family of porcelain dolls, the more real their laughter and conversations become…but they still won’t pick you up at the airport.
Of all my mistakes, you were the mistakiest
I’m writing a fairytale about a printer that just works.
*moon landing*
That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for updog
“What’s updog?”
NOT MUCH JUST WALKING ON THE MOON WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
Super Hand Dog Face
Remember when parents said “I’ll give you something to cry about” & were scared they’d hit us but they destroyed the housing market instead?
In English, a double negative forms a positive. in some languages, like Russian, a double negative is still a negative. In no language in the world can a double positive form a negative.
yeah…. right…
Was chatting at our block party and a new neighbor came up and asked if I was this dude’s wife and I said no I’m his mistress just to make it weird and welcome her to the neighborhood.
People laugh cos I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?
Everyone’s a genius until faced with an alien coffee maker
me: *having prostate examination*
doc: omg, when was this last wiped?
me: WHAT
doc: *pointing to dust on table* i must speak to the cleaning lady
If you’re afraid of getting fat, drink a little before eating. The alcohol should reduce the fear.
I only have Facebook to keep track of where everyone I know is going to be, so I don’t show up there.
My neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the crazy naked lady and I’m the only one not invited. Weird.
If the characters can come alive in Toy Story, then why can’t my dishwasher play cleanup while I’m gone.
“Are you the one who multiplies fishes?”
King: The son of God will be born! We need 4 wise men to shop for gifts!
“I’ll get gold”
“Frankincense”
“I’ll get myrrh”
Me: Can babies vape?
King: Actually 3 wise men is fine
This creepy guy at work calls me “hun” despite knowing my real name so I’ve started calling him Mulan.
My husband just announced he cleaned the bathroom.
In related news, my husband doesn’t know the definition of either “clean” or “bathroom.”
universe: you deserve a break
me: wow thanks
universe: *winks*
me: *tumbles down the stairs*
MARINE BIOLOGY PROFESSOR: So an octopus can change its color to mimic its surroundings. When octopi do this it’s called—
ME: An octo-lie.
PROFESSOR: …Metachrosis.
ME:
PROFESSOR:
ME: Mocktopus.
Don’t snitch tag.
I forgot my earphones this morning and for a moment I thought wouldn’t it be great if my audio book had subtitles