if speaking russian makes my b’s into v’s then soviet
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Went to the doctor the other day, he told me I had to stop lap-dancing. I asked him why and he said, “Because I’m trying to examine you.”
“Can I get you to-”
YES!
“Great! Here it-”
I’LL DO IT!
“Don’t you want to-”
MAKE THE CHECK OUT TO…– Adam Sandler being handed a script
I stopped carrying a grudge
Weigh me now
*reaching down to pick up baby*
no guys it’s totally cool, 5 second rule
If we’re in a horror movie and you tell me to run, it’s already too late for me.
My ATM password is four digits and my Twitter password is a complicated one because I wouldn’t want anyone to log in and post embarrassing tweets.
My wife: Don’t kiss me, your stubble hurts my face.
Also my wife: [has three facial exfoliants that contain sand, walnut shells and bamboo]
6: what’s 3+1?
Me: 4
6: noooo it’s 3
Me: 3+1 is 4
6: nooooo it’s 3
Me:
6: the 1 is silent
Mean things I kind of want to do:
1) Call up a random person and say “It’s done. You just need to clean up the blood.” and hang up.
2) Walk up to a stranger and hand them a bag with random items (vaseline, a hose and socks) and say “You know what to do.”
Due to inflation, the high five has dropped to a mere middle finger
Kids will say anything to procrastinate sleep. Tonight my 3yo called me into his room to tell me that he “bit his teeth.” Ok… well, now bite them with your eyes closed.
I’m a pancake in that I’m attracted to all cakes equally.
Me: Shout out to all my homies!
Homies: Stop shouting at us.
Some people enter your life just to improve your pronunciation.
People who prefer ketchup over mustard are annoying because as soon as you say you like mustard, they go on and on about how much they hate it. Like, okay. You have the same flavor palette you had when you were 5 but that doesn’t mean you should insult what I put in my coffee.
Friend: *laughing at the crumbs on my sweater* Have you been eating cookies?
Me: Never ask about my art
Make someone’s day better by not showing up for work
my neighbor’s freakishly loud emu kept peeking in my window while i was trying to order an 8 ft, 132 lb chocolate sack ($500)
[being chased by a murderer]
Me: *stops running, bends down* find a penny pick it up all day long you’ll have good luck!
Murderer: *stabs me*
“You are what you eat” I whisper to myself as I pour my dead dog’s ashes into my cat’s food bowl
Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.
I bet most people learn their neighbor kid’s name not by proper introduction, but by the parents yelling it in a loud voice over & over.
I don’t remember taking this vow of celibacy.
El Chapo is a murderous Mexican drug lord. El Chapo Supreme is a murderous Mexican drug lord with sour cream, lettuce and tomato.
[Vaccination center]
Me: *slaps $20 bill down* I would like one immunity please
I’ve honestly never been more disappointed in life than when I found out that the Miami Dolphin football team was made up entirely of people
Every time my daughter drinks juice she says “cheers” so…. no, not looking forward to parent teacher conferences.
“You are what you eat”?
I don’t remember eating a giant disappointment.
Me: Maybe you should slow down on those granola bars. We got 30 yesterday. And there are…4. 4 left.
Husband: This house is a prison.