@chrissyteigen: I always have a note in my pocket that says "john did it" just in case I'm murdered because I don't want him to remarry #truelove #tips
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@Chumpstring: KIDNAPPER: [on phone] I'm holding your son for ransom. DAD: I have no money, what's the ransom? KIDNAPPER: Bring me one rich kid.
@NYC_Blonde: I only sleep with my laptop so that if I ever get a boyfriend I'll be used to sharing the bed
@NakedHangover: I'm not saying delivering a baby is easy, but I'm pretty sure all I need is a box, some tape, and a stamp.