Auto correct doesn’t work when I use caps lock. My phone is like “woah, better let this dude cool down before I tell him he’s wrong”
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“He be dead.”
Who? Your English teacher?
A lot of people have been asking me why I’ve been wearing this hat so much lately and the answer is much more ridiculous than you’d expect. It doesn’t fit my head when I have hair so I’m getting the most out of it while I can.
before puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the shower’
after puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the oven’
ME: Velma cant see anything without her glasses, so in order to find her glasses, she needs to be wearing them
PRIEST: Those are your vows?
I blocked some guys and another guy said good job and I blocked him too.
How to Be a Librarian:
1. studySHHHHH
2. but iSHHHHH
3. eSHHHHHH
4.SHHHHH
SHHHHH
I was pregnant in High School BEFORE it became popular….
I wish ‘You idiot.’ was an appropriate way to end a work email.
I hate fungi but then it grew on me.
I’m only looking for friends that could survive a hippopotamus attack.
[emergency room]
NURSE: It seems you’ve swallowed an abacus?
ME: She told me it’s what’s on the inside that counts
WIFE: I hate you
[party]
me: ugh who invited that guy, he’s so childishher: he’s 7 and it’s his birthday
If I opened an Italian restaurant, I’d describe my lasagne as ‘Just like mama used to make’ because my mum couldn’t cook and neither can I.
What’s large, black and steals your credit cards?
Sony Playstation
The purpose of Terrorism is to scare and make people feel unsafe, which is something it has in common with Cable News.
Funny how “criminal attorney” can be understood in two different ways.
I’ve reached the age where good or bad news from friends produce the same reaction: I should make them a casserole. I have officially become my grandmother.
10:00: gets in hammock
10:00 to 10:20: relaxes in hammock
10:21 to 11:57: gets out of hammock
The awkward moment when you say, “I love you,” then the pizza delivery guy says, “That’ll be $12.46, please.”
When one happens upon a small spoon, the proper response is to become the big spoon. It is simply what one does at times like this. I am however sorry for having disturbed your crime scene, officer. I’ll see myself out.
In grocery store & guy grabs my hand,starts to walk.I go with him, till he turns & realizes I’m not his wife.We broke it off…Single again
never underestimate the power of positive thinking, and also never underestimate the power of waving a tire iron or a gun around
I take back everything bad I’ve ever said about the Welsh
Him: You okay?
Me eating a tube of cookie dough like a banana: Yeah, why?
Haha I love my wife. I just told her to calm down and now she’s in the backyard digging a 6 feet long hole to calm herself down. What a woman!
I just said “love you” to my boss when I put the phone down. Who’s got a spare room I can live out of?
Me: Give me some space, I’m feeling claustrophobic
8 whispers to 9: Leave Mom alone, she has to poop but she can’t
Guitar dude: here’s wonderwall
Clumsy dude: here’s blunderwall
Pirate dude: here’s plunderwall
Thor dude: here’s thunderwall
Store dude: here’s refunderwall
Escaping dude: here’s underwall
Blue dude: here’s undertheweatherwall
My wife is visiting her mother this weekend, so the cat and I are smoking cigars and playing poker.
Superman: this is my dog Krypto, he has all the same powers as me
Louis Lane: even x-ray vision?
[Krypto stares intently at Lois]
Superman: oh god he sees your bones run