If you get on the train while people are still getting off, may your tea be forever cold
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My onlyfans account is just me trying to trim my toenails and breathe at the same time
never forget
Why enunciation matters:
9yo: so this guy came to school and pulled a python out of his boxers
Me: WHAT THE HELL?!???
9yo: …BOXES!
I think the blue states should get the taco trucks first, and the red states have to wait, because elections have consequences.
rapatouille
The receptionist at the doc’s office today kept pulling her mask down to talk to me and I-
Me: I’ve gone my whole life without having any hearing problems.
Middle age: Hold my beer.
Me: What?
Wife to our oldest daughter: “Go brush your teeth with your sister.”
Me to our oldest daughter: “Sweetie, don’t listen to your mother. Use a toothbrush.”
The human body is 98% water.
So I’m not fat,
Just well hydrated.
I’m an avid indoorsman.
CNN: The boy who cried Breaking News.
Why’s it called casual sex? It’s not like people in relationships have sex in top hats…well not every time.
Edward Scissorhands: Maybe he’s born with it, maybe he’s Wolverine
hey it’s me, the girl who just googled “chemistry alphabet” when i meant “periodic table”
thesaurus for sale, brand new, current, modern, original, unused, untapped, fresh, pristine, untouched, mint condition, spotless, untried…
My teen’s stories have a beginning, middle, and I need $20.
Podcasts are like babies, they’re too easy to create and not everyone should have one
Cop: *looks at license* Says here you need glasses.
Me: I have contacts.
Cop: I don’t care who you know, you’re not getting out of this one.
Which undead creature most enjoys playing hide-and-seek?
.
.
.
.
.
.
A wherewolf.#happyhalloween
Husband *seductively*: you know what we haven’t done in a while?
Me: Yeah! Slept.
Husband: Correct, good night.
The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
Met this chinese guy with the surname Shen. His name’s Eric. As in Eric Shen. Have him for more than 4hours, call a doctor!
We only teach “stop, drop and roll” to put out fire but honestly if you do it in pretty much any social situation it will also stop that.
My husband just said “Do I look stupid to you?” Is this a trick question because it really feels like a trick question.
*My kids are fighting*
9yo: You’re acting like a baby !
6yo: And you’re acting like dad !
“I don’t even own a book” – Medieval Hipster
If you ever hire workmen for anything, it’s CRITICAL you sniff their armpits at the end of the day to make sure you got your money’s worth.
Serious question: how long should your hug with the pizza delivery guy last? I don’t want things to get creepy.
I just got a text from a number I don’t recognize saying, ‘You’re an embarrassment of a son’. I’ve narrowed it down to 2 people.