I always keep a gun in my pocket so people won’t think I’m happy to see them.
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My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his BD cake in the break room fridge, but he is completely wrong, it wasn’t my finger.
Did you know that you can tell the gender of an ant by throwing it in water?
If it sinks = girl ant.
If it floats = buoyant.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: let’s back up for a second
ME: what’s wrong
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: did you just call it dude diligence
your stripper name is the first two words you see in a newspaper headline while on the phone with your wife pretending to be an old British woman so you can be her nanny and spend more time with your kids
Me: [has never relaxed once in my entire life] I should get a hammock
People who are bad at hiding, I see you
Air pods looking like an angry frog
*seasons greetings*
*eats greetings*
[being buried alive]
murderer: *out of breath* how are you eating the dirt so quickly
Me: “I’m looking for a psychic who rates themselves highly.”
Ian: “I’m a medium.”
Me: “I need someone better than that.”
This old lady in the grocery store was just giving me the weirdest looks and the worst piggy back ride of my life
One night in college, my roommate got super drunk pretty quickly and ended up getting sick. We handed her a trashcan, with trash already in it. She puked a few times and started crying, and then looked in the can and yelled, OMG I THREW UP A FORK?!
imagine you’re on jury duty and the courtroom sketch artist draws stink lines above you
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name
If a gifted child is put up for adoption, is he a regifted child?
*writing résumé*
Strengths? I’m great at multitasking
*explosion in kitchen*
My popcorn!
*car crashes through fence*
I forgot I was driving!
“The best things in life are free.”
– Kleptomaniac
*corporate state run media carnival*
Step right up folks, take your bait!
How low can we go, how low can we go? New lows every day!
*Text alert*
Freddy Krueger: “Hey you up?”
Me: “Yup”
Freddie Krueger: “Damn.😢”
God: let’s put berries on bushes
Angel: Yeah that will be easy food for humans
God: Make some poisonous
Angel: why
God: it’s like a game
Kids will be like “let’s play hide and seek!”, look for you for five seconds and then get bored, start playing hot wheels or some other crap and leave you contorted up in the laundry room
My husband reminding me that Heidi Klum also has 4 kids is going to be the official cause of death on his death certificate.
I have interests besides avoiding housework. In fact, I have a long list of things I’m interested in avoiding.
[creation]
PORCUPINE: So what’s my deal
GOD: Basically a fat lazy rat that eats sticks and your vision sucks
P: WTF dude are you serious
G: lmfao yeah bro
P:
G:
P: Can… I at least be covered in thousands of tiny swords
G:
P:
G: HELL YES THAT IS METAL AF MY MAN
How powerful must it feel for the dentist to start referring to your teeth by their secret “numbers” to the hygienist
Remember to recycle your pizza boxes
It’s for the Greta good
I rarely eat kale chips, but when I do-I eat them condescendingly and self-righteously.
The bartender said I could have a free drink if I stopped saying “that’s what she said” so I said “challenge accepted” and she replied “let’s see how long you keep this up”…and then I paid for my next drink
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: (who is terrified of becoming a vampire) Hopefully in a mirror
I could own zero permanent markers and my toddler would find at least 5 of them.