@Thedudish: I always keep a gun in my pocket so people won't think I'm happy to see them.
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@theNuzzy: Facebook: Adele is such an inspiration. Instagram: Adele looking beautiful in her gown. Twitter: Adele sounds like a chimney sweeper.
@iwearaonesie: HR: Did you eat all the mints that were in my jar? me: No [some mints fall out of my mouth] HR: me: Yes [more mints fall out of my mouth]
@Carbosly: Apparently saying "If you think your wife is fat now, wait till she has the baby" is not a good way to congratulate someone.
@CDMEclairs: Angry Birds for Olympics: Instead of hitting two birds with one stone, here you can hit two stones with one bird.