I just found my new favorite conspiracy theory …
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if somone acidentaly walks in while ur in the bathroom, do not react at all. this avoids embarasment & makes them wonder if they are a ghost
Mom, can I have another piece of pecan pie?
“You mean MAY, not CAN”
Ok, mom can I have another piece of pemay pie?
I wear workout clothes to get Burger King breakfast so the drive thru lady thinks I worked out first. Dont be afraid to live your best life.
Remember, that the reason your kids can be so fuckin annoying sometimes..
Is that they’re miniature versions of you
Fun Fact: When you die, someone will feel inconvenienced that your funeral is on a particular day. lol
[Christmas Party]
*opening my gifts*
Well well well, if it isn’t the festive scarf I gave you 3 Christmases ago
Hour 6 without sex:
(oh, you mean with someone else?)
Year 8 without sex:
How to parallel park:
1) Park somewhere else.
No parenting books prepared me for the exhaustion of constantly being excited about the mundane stuff that blows my 4 year old’s mind. Wow, a red pen! Wow, our cat! Wow, a slice of cheese with holes in it!
me: my wife and I aren’t talking to each other
mime teacher: *thumbs up*
Wife and I saw a woman smiling on the street, carrying a baby while helping her younger child ride a tricycle, and the first thing we both said was, “Why the hell is she smiling?”
1) Jumped out of bed
2) Cooked breakfast
3) Ran 6 miles
4) Worked out
5) Started lying compulsively
[Starbucks]
ME: [bursts in] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT LARGEBARISTA: [shrugs]
ME: [sigh] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT VENTI
B: *grande screaming noises*
Ask your Doctor if Adderall can help you vigorously scrub your floors and alphabetize your clothing instead of studying.
*putting dead animal heads on the walls*
People will like this!
I just found out that blackbirds aren’t afraid of squirrels and now I’m afraid of blackbirds.
Me: Why can’t we feed the animals?
Wife: They’ll get lazy and dependent and never, ever go away.
Me: *looks warily at our kids*
(hours before leaving on a road trip)
You know what, let’s give ourselves an entire makeover.
Safe sex is stupid. Safes can’t get pregnant.
I’m sorry, I’m going to have to cancel, I’m completely snowed in
My period is really late so I’m starting to think about baby names:
For a girl- Menopausalia
For a boy- HotFlash
Who really needs jetpacks, I want to be able to start over from my last save point
Why is it called a corn maze, when we could just call it a maize?
[caught getting last piece of pie out of fridge]
And I would have gotten away with it too, if it wasn’t for that meddling open door beep!
genie: you have 3 wishes
cat: i want to go out
genie: ok
cat: and back in again
genie: done
cat: and back out again
genie: ffs
When you smile the whole world wonders what’s wrong with you.
My 12 year old can explain the difference between a sociopath and a psychopath.
I think about that a lot when I’m trying to get to sleep.
Me: “Jesus, please make me a better person…”
Jesus: *deletes my account*
Me: “NOT LIKE THAT!”
Deep down, we’re all that one lady in 7-11 with her bathrobe on.