I totally understand how “please leave your brother alone” can be interpreted as “throw toys at him.” It’s just common sense.
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Yearly reminder: unless you’re over 60, you weren’t promised flying cars. You were promised an oppressive cyberpunk dystopia. Here you go.
my dog is like me. you can call her and make all the kissy noises you want , she ain’t coming unless it’s her idea.
[god creating worms]
WORM: Alright I’m a snake!
GOD: Well, no you—
WORM: I’m a snake hissss. Am I venomous?
GOD: *patting worm’s head* Sure buddy
If a gang attacks U say you’re on their side & U brought them “gang supplies”. They’ll let you go to the car to get the supplies. Drive away
My kid is learning about environment and climate change at school, so everytime I yell any instructions, he goes “noise pollution, noise pollution”
No one is shocked when a defibrillator doesn’t work.
Dear GPS
If I knew which direction northeast was , we wouldn’t be having this conversation
[travels back in time to warn 12 year old me about playing video games too much] you become fat and lazy and-whoa Mortal Kombat 2 scoot over
In banana years, I am bread.
When I say that I’m on low battery and can’t talk, rest assured I’m never talking about my phone.
My 5yo just came out of bed saying she yawned so hard her blankets came off, and honestly that’s like, groundbreaking work in the bedtime excuses field.
Goats will be chewing while looking at you like they have seen you somewhere.
Woke up super stiff all over and when I tried to look down, my neck had morning woodn’t.
[writers’ room for Silent Night]
MIKE: ok so the next line is about describing baby jesus. how would we describe a baby?
JIM [known cannibal]: so tender and mild
MIKE:…….jesus christ jim
If you let an idiot convince you that he’s the smartest man in the world…
Maybe he’s not the only idiot.
Police: Sir, you account is hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Police: No, bank account.
Me: Oh, thank god !!
Don’t cry because it’s over, scowl because you had to participate.
If television has taught me anything, it’s that I can totally outrun an explosion.
Before you buy anything online ask yourself “Am I prepared to see a sales ad for that same item on every social media site I visit until the day I die?”
As someone with extensive IT experience, I can almost guarantee the AT&T outage yesterday was over some certificate expiring somewhere and nobody knowing how to regenerate it because Carl got laid off seven years ago and the only machine with the keys decommissioned in 2019.
Mufasa: See that river over there? Simba: Yeah? Mufasa: F*cked so many bitches over there
Chameleons have a hard time getting good photos of other chameleons because they’re too small to hold cameras
Someone taught my 3yo the phrase “what in tarnation” so now I know what it’s like raising an 18th century toddler with a potty mouth.
FBI AGENT: You’ll be put into witness protection
ME: Can I be someone that has friends?
FBI AGENT: No, it has to be believable.
Family bike ride? Sure, that sounds great! Just give me 2-3 hours to pump up all of these bike tires and we’ll be on our way!
*In Hospital*
Me: So nurse, when are you giving me my sponge bath? *slow wink*
Nurse: Right after I administer your enema you didn’t need until just now. *slower wink, snaps gloves*
If you haven’t tried blindfold archery you should give it a go, you don’t know what you’re missing.
I was 15 minutes into destroying a plate full of ribs before I even noticed my date had left.
Adonis folding laundry is still Adonis…but hotter because he’s folding laundry
If every human in the world jumps off a mountain we’ll probably eventually evolve to fly.