I always leave my vehicles gas on empty because I want thiefs to be as pissed off as my wife
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[rap battle]
me: orange grorange schmorange blorange
Just hiked to a waterfall in the middle of Maine and halfway through as I was starting to feel super proud about doing this somewhat difficult hike by myself a 70 year old woman passed me going the other way wearing flip flops and holding a bud light.
The Indian restaurant I work for is so secretive I had to sign a legal agreement that I wouldn’t share the flatbread recipe
Just their standard naan disclosure agreement
You bought a boat this month? Well I bought an ambulance ride, so who’s the big spender now?
It may snow in Atlanta so I just bought 47 loaves of bread and now I’m headed out to the interstate so I can get stranded in a good spot.
We need a dating app where you can just get directly to the point. Like hey, you think I’m cute? Do you wanna abandon society & go live in the mountains so we can train a small army of raccoons to shoplift for us when the apocalypse finally happens? No? Then don’t waste my time.
My Darling Petunia,
It’s been three days since the plane went down. I’m not sure a rescue party has been sent out, and I’ve seen no islands towards which to paddle. I briefly thought I saw Tom Hanks, but it must be my mind playing tricks on me. I fear my goose is cooked.
You telling me these peas gave someone a black eye?
My 19 y.o. watched a show where a romance ended badly.
In a distressed voice, she asked: “WHY can’t we just have a HAPPY ENDING?”
I involuntarily muttered under my breath: “Because we don’t have the money to pay the masseuse.”
19 y.o.: “What?”
Me: “I didn’t say anything.”
Has anyone tried throwing 2020 in some rice?
Doctor: So what brings you in today?
Me: Stay with me here…I’m pretty sure there is a bus full of elementary age children flying around my small intestine.
Looking to hire someone who can photo edit my ex out of all of my vacation photos and replace him with a potato
The only way my mother-in-law would approve of our Christmas tree is if I were hanging from it.
Camping? Like sleeping with my bedroom window open?
[guy glaring at me because he wants my parking spot]
*adds 72,000 hours to the meter*
I was downtown today on the sidewalk screaming at a plastic bag I thought was a ghost and then I saw you see me and then you crossed the street and now I need to tell you in person I know it wasn’t a ghost so when you hear tapping at your backdoor tonight just come out please.
The dinosaurs didnt “rule the earth” they were just alive stop giving them credit for administrative skills they almost certainly didnt have
Martial arts movie, starring me
Master: You wish to learn to fight?
Me: Yes
Master: The training is very difficult
Me: Oh then no
The End
“I Spy” is the easiest game to win at cause you can just keep being like “nope that’s not it”
God: I made spring time so that all could witness nature’s rebirth!
Satan: I make people scroll down to find their birth year.
I’m an introvert but also a narcissist so if you could find a way to praise and compliment me without having to talk to me, that’d be great
[palm reader touches my hand and immediately gets a nose bleed and passes out]
me: what’s that mean
It’s actually a good thing money doesn’t grow on trees because I’ve killed every plant I’ve ever owned.
My daughter just maintained eye contact while stuffing her face with the last of my chocolate stash and my husband said “oh shit” and picked her up and took her into the other room but he won’t always be here to protect her
I just hit a duck with my car. Wasn’t even in it. Incredible strength.
[first karate lesson]
Me: *entering dojo* BONSAI!!!
Sensei: Do you mean ‘Banzai’?
Me: *just starts chucking little trees at Sensei*
The headline “WORLD’S OLDEST PERSON DIES” could also be “WORLD HAS NEW OLDEST PERSON”.
DARTH VADER: “And, this is from when I was six and my parents took me to the beach on- Hey! Why are you guys laughing?”
Apparently there’s enough room in my mouth to put more than one foot.
Congrats u survived pandemic so your reward is World War III