Dad’s jean shorts in the 80’s were one move away from being the Basic Instinct scene
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Sweatpants ✅
Headband ✅
Wristbands ✅
Jockstrap ✅“Welcome to Olive Garden’s all you can eat pasta night.”
I accidentally swallowed a Christmas ornament and now I have tinselitis.
Stickiest things in the world:
3) Lollipops
2) Glue
1) Children’s library books
My beach vacation Google searches
You never feel as old as when you’re scrolling down to find your birth year
I am cool with January lasting forever because rent is due February 1
A wife is like a hand grenade.
Remove the ring, and your house is gone.
Spider-Man has a special plate onto which he can put down his felafel and hummus sandwich. It’s a pita parker.
LUMINEERS: we have a new song
PRODUCER: what’s it about?
L: deforestation and the loss of natural resources
P: what’s it called?
L: Susan
If Minnie Driver married Bradley Cooper her name would be oh god I can’t even finish this one
I am also baked goods
[home depot]
employee[yelling]: YOU CAN’T DO THAT IN HERE
me: [yelling over the sound of revving chainsaw]: WHAT
“It’s Raining Men” is my favorite song about skydiving school.
every time i say my cat’s name she looks at me like i just told her that her husband died at sea
If you’re an adorable old person in a romcom, you’ve got a massive target on your back
{commercial for boats}
Tired of your car not knowing how to swim?
Have you ever considered shaving that beard and gluing it to your bald spot?
…
Oh! You meant a question about the job position!
You see me wildly flailing my arms. Did I:
a) Walk through a spider web?
b) Try to wrap something in Saran wrap?
c) Try to use Scotch tape?
Please ignore this tweet, I’m pretending to be adding a coworker’s phone number.
One of the more important commas I’ve seen in a long time…
Guys, please recycle. We wanna leave a better world for Betty White when we’re gone.
“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit
Sorry I was late. The only open lane was the chatty cashier and I had to just put everything back
7 asks me every morning if i have to work and we do that 7 days a week no matter how much i explain to him. his excuse is “i’m just a 7 yo enjoying summer. i don’t know what day it is”.
If you tell me your kid is 22 months and I buy it a beer, that’s on you. That is your bad.
Urinal cake? Nah, that’s a pisscuit
horses don’t know when they’re acting in a period drama. they just woke up one day and all their friends showed up in stupid outfits.
*aliens return to ship*
ALIEN LEADER: Where are the humans?
“We left them”
AL: Why?
“They didn’t look anything like their selfies in rl”
I lost my dad with a cart full of ginger ale and sweet potato chips at a grocery store and found him arguing about focaccia bread with a manager in case you were wondering how white my parents are.
When you put “This page intentionally left blank” in a report, the page is no longer blank. Thank you for coming to my Pedantic Ted Talk.