Me: ‘This may be the booze talking, but that is a VERY snazzy outfit you have on there.’
Cop: ‘Step out of the car, please.’
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My kids are gonna give me a god damn heart attack
I told my daughter she had to donate two toys to the community toy drive and she picked two of her sister’s toys to give away so I’m pretty sure she’s gonna be a CEO someday.
They’ve let the kids out of school in advance of the bad weather so it’s our duty as adults to nod & greet one another in town with “Storm’s comin.”
Shrink: How many true friends do you believe you have?
Me: Define “true friend.”
Shrink: Someone you feel you can tell anything.
Me: 11,419.
Sometimes I think there is no hope for us 🥴
(McDonald’s bathroom)
*pulls away from kissing*
You’re better than my mirror at home
I knock on the refrigerator door before opening it, just in case there’s a salad dressing in there.
Never, ever ask a woman if she’s pregnant unless you see an actual baby being born. Even then, act surprised.
“You should cook it like this more often.”
Me, panicked cried twice and burnt myself when cooking it: sure.
GOD: I call them Water Buffalo
ANGEL: But they live on land
GOD: Yep
ANGEL:
GOD:
ANGEL: u really dont care anymore do u
GOD: Not a bit
Her: She’s a ten but she-
Me: Hold up. Are you talking about yourself?
Me: I’m going to be healthy
Breakfast: fruit
Lunch: sandwich
Dinner: salad
Midnight: large pizza, mac & cheese, a gallon of ice cream
Sex is like riding a bike…..no matter how confident you are, you’re not allowed to do it naked in the park.
Violence is not the answer, unless you’re a gaggle of children instructed to break into a piñata.
{walks into farmers market}
Me: is there a bathroom here?
Worker: sorry the bathroom is for customers only
Me: ok I’ll take 4 farmers
wife [gives me piece of fruit] Try this
me: Tastes like hand sanitizer
wife: Did you just use hand sanitizer?
me: Yeah
wife
me
wife
me: Why?
ME: nice fanny pack u weirdo
KANGAROO: *puts phone in pouch, pulls out a knife*
ME: holy shit
[coffee shop]
*casually puts arm around wife*
*reaches up to Free Wifi sign with a pen*
*changes last “i” to an “e”, draws downward arrow*
WIFE: If you embarrass me in public again, I’m leaving you
[Single Ladies comes on the jukebox]
ME: *rising to my feet* Well, we had a good run
Hulk Hogan tries to quietly rip his shirt off during a funeral.
Cheers to all who skipped that one dish at Thanksgiving because you just didn’t trust the person who brought it.
Music FACT: Australian singer-songwriter Sia has a younger sister called Wouldntwannabia.
In my next life I’m coming back with money and good looks. This great personality shit is not working.
please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke
-hearing my dog about to puke
I love Instagram’s new direct messaging feature because I’ve always thought, “If only this picture of someone’s dinner was just for me.”
On average, a person has sex 86 times a year. Apparently, this is going to be one hell of a week.
just realizing what a disservice it is to limit my kids screen time because they could become influencers and fund the rest of my life
There is a drunk woman on the tube throwing After Eights at everyone and, in the most British way possible, everyone is pretending they aren’t being hit on the head by tiny chocolatey squares (which hurts by the way) and not looking at anyone else in the eye.
I don’t actually need a house cleaner, I just need the threat of a house cleaner coming over as motivation