I always make it a point to become friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
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guy creating teenage mutant ninja turtles: so theyre teens, theyre turtles, whats something only the coolest teens do?
co-worker with a ponytail: karate
Marie Kondō’s method really has been magical. I’m ridding my home of anything that doesn’t “spark joy.”
So far I’m down one washing machine, one vacuum, and a husband.
YOU, OBLIVIOUS TO CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies*
ME, OBSESSED WITH CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies more meaningfully*
I gave my wife a tip how she could wash the dishes better.
On a side note, Dawn detergent is really starting to make my hands more soft.
Did I remember to take Ambien? I’ll ask my lamp. He’s speaking German but maybe I’ll get the gist.
Human *builds first house*
House fly: finally
doctor: does this make you uncomfortable?
me: yes
doctor: and how about this?
me: yes
doctor: and what about this?
me: please stop kissing my mom
Kevin, children are allowed to order pizzas. You don’t have to make the delivery guy think he’s being shot at by gangsters. For christ sake.
Everyone loves their weighted blankets and talks about loving feeling all wrapped up but as soon as I mention wearing socks to bed everyone’s like noo I don’t want to feel constricted my feet must be freee
Don’t ask me! I’m 48 and still refer to it as a Choo-Choo Train.
I’m so glad you’re all here. I’d like to talk to you all about a legging candle vitamin jewelry networking opportunity. Please, have a seat.
6, pointing at her brother, crying:
He doesn’t want to play Barbies with me!
Me: None of us do.
[at the planetarium standing next to a cutie]
ME: (pretends hand is telephone) yes hello NASA is my new space rocket ready thanks please
The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
Californians forget how to drive when it rains
God: send them snow
Stop being friends with whoever says you can’t twerk to Led Zeppelin.
You don’t need that negativity in your life.
People keep telling me I behave like a man so I’m currently working up the courage to tell my husband he’s gay.
[landlord showing new tenant around]
“No smoking allowed”
“How about pets?”
“That’s fine”
[dog walks in and lights up]
“We’ll take it”
We’re all getting idioter.
every day around 8:30PM my body says “let’s go to bed” but I fight it and stay up til’ 3am anyway like the idiot adult toddler I am.
Wife: how’s potty training been today?
Me: he peed twice!
Wife: that’s great!
Me: *covered in piss* no, it’s not.
ever since i was young i knew i wanted to be on the computer
north carolina to sue over bathroom bill
hillary: stop calling him that
Opened the back door and a tiny lizard fell from the sky. It’s either a sign, or the smallest plague ever.
No, officer, I haven’t been drinking; my toddler just needed to hand me everything from the back seat.
Doggo’s polite and subtle implication that he is interested in going for a walk
WIFE: It’s your turn to change the baby.
ME: Ugh fine.
[later]
WIFE: Why does our baby have a septum piercing?
ME: His name is torch now.
4: Mom can I have a snack?
Me: Yeah hang on
4: Did you mean yes?
Me: Oh shit I birthed my mother
[in ambulance]
“Can you describe the snake that bit you?”
Yes it was like an angry rope
I could never be in the mafia those guys stay up way to late