I got a gumball machine for my 11th birthday. It was like saying, “Hey I got you a gift but you have to pay $.10 every time you want to play with it.”
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Finding $5 you didn’t know you had is awesome til you realize you’re 34, it’s 2011 & $5 won’t even buy enough gas to drive you off a cliff.
If you think you’re stupid, little red riding hood thought a wolf wearing women’s clothing was her grandma.
If my name was Simon I would always talk in the third person when telling someone to do something.
I didn’t see a single avenger die when Obama was president
Sorry babe, you knew you were dating a bad boy [shuffles Pokemon cards without the plastic covers]
This message stamped on the squeaker inside the stuffed animal my dog just destroyed
I’m glad nothing I own was made with my own two hands because I really like having hands.
I occasionally call my son when he’s with me so I can hear what my ringtone is on his phone. Last week I was the theme song from Psycho.
Me at 17: I’ve had 7 beers, 11 shots, and 2 questionable mixed drinks and I’m just getting started! Can’t wait until I’m over 21 and can REALLY start partying!
Me at 23: Look I know it’s 7pm and I only just got here but I’ve already had an entire glass of wine and I need a nap.
If I give out nudes now, it’s extremely unfair to the nudes I didn’t give out before.
It’s weird when one person from your college friend group gets rich but you’ve all stayed in touch & their Facebook posts are like “I have always loved Pearl Jam & it was magical to see them perform on my back patio for my birthday!!!”
Two words: Egg Newtons™
Hard boiled eggs with a delicious fig filling.
shout out to anyone that’s used a tube of super glue more than once
[dunk tank baptism] *to little boy* you only have 3 chances or this clown doesn’t get into heaven
“Oh, my, god. Becky, look at her butt!”
“DOCTOR PLEASE SHE IS CODING! NOW IS NOT THE TIME!”
WAITER: questions about the menu?
ME: is it recycled paper?
WAITER: no, i meant about what’s on it
ME: oh. what kind of ink is this?
me: would you still love me if i was crazy?
him: if????
Direct deposit: +1400
Me at Cheesecake Factory: yeah I’ll take one of each slice
My dog’s the one that’s getting chonky, so why do I have to exercise too?
A relationship so stable you can buy concert tickets 4 months in advance >>
When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.
Cutest thing I saw was the dad angrily slamming the sliding door of his minivan but it slowed down by itself and latched silently and then it was just kind of sad.
kayleigh i promise i won’t make fun of your name again pleighse give me another chance
When the sonographer says your ovaries look like the dark side of the moon, that’s good, right?
*slams a five on the counter*
“Bartender! Give me another!”
*bartender pours me another bowl of Cinnamon Toast Crunch*
A dating app for angry people- Grumble
OMG my brother in law, the gift that never stops giving, was tired of being sent to get rice every day so he decided buy in bulk, talked to the shop about it, wires got crossed, now there is a literal TRUCK FILLED WITH RICE outside the house and my sister is losing her shit lmfao
WIFE: The fire department is at the front door again
ME: *hiding my mixtape* Do they look mad?
[holding my brain upside down, shaking out its pockets] gimme your serotonin nerd
I tried to check your drinking water for quality and freshness. Next time please warn me when it’s sparkly water that will bite my nose holes