@iGreenMonk: I always put a crouton on my ice cream sundaes instead of a cherry. That way, it counts as a salad!
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@Fred_Delicious: Date - "I must admit, this is a really nice restaurant" Me - 😎 ... Date - "why did you say sunglasses emoji?"
@JB4Realz: I can't take my dog to the pond because the ducks keep attacking him... Guess that's what get for buying a pure bread dog.
@BoogTweets: Mom: Your son still won't do his laundry. Talk to him Dad: I'm not going in there Mom: Why Dad: Last week I stubbed my toe on 1 of his socks
@iAmDelFreaky: Me: I wonder what the wicked witch's name is. 7: Ding Dong. Me: What? 7: The song says, Ding Dong the Witch is dead. Me: Oh. My. God. 😂