The opposite of Thanksgiving leftovers is Thanksgiving rightunders.
I’m so sorry
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Pretty sure I know what my wife’s getting me for my birthday cause when I guessed, “A 3-way?” she got all angry like I ruined the surprise.
Neighbor was watering her plants as if they owed her money like how would YOU like to be waterboarded lady
[attempting Guinness Book of Records for most people mauled by a bear]
ME: Thank you all for coming
37 OF MY FRIENDS: Why r we here again?
The hardest part of potty training my puppy is shitting outside with him so he can learn how to
Me: 3 miles today.
Him: On the treadmill?
Me: No, scrolling on Twitter.
KIDNAPPER: Get in the trunk
ME: You’re abducting me 4 days before Christmas?
K: Heh yep
ME: Omg thank you
K: What
ME: I’m all yours
K: Wait
When I was 5 my life ambition was to ride on a parade float. That happened when I was 6.
I didn’t really plan past that, and still haven’t.
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re paranoid.”
Me: “My resume has been talking behind my back?”
The X-Files will have 3 back to back episodes that are dead serious about elaborate conspiracies where anyone can be killed for knowing too much, and then the very next episode will be like “Scully there’s a dude I wanna check out who thinks he’s a goat”
I just wrote that it has already been an exceptionally long eeek and I don’t even feel the need to correct it.
live long and prosper!
I’d give my left arm to be able to leave work and go kayaking.
Albeit it in very slow counterclockwise circles.
I argue with myself in public so no one talks to me.
My favorite romance novels begin with “Preheat oven to 350 degrees”
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those “eat right and exercise” scams.
FACEBOOK: join your friends at these events that might interest you nearby
ME: not today satan
And a special thanks to Autocorrect for changing “Busy juggling”
to “Busy jiggling”
If people on Twitter found a horses’ head in their bed at least 3/4 of them would get a selfie with it before calling the cops…..
Imagine how stupid you’d feel if you pitched “Yabba dabba doo” at that early Flintstones meeting and it didn’t hit
General Lee didn’t have kids?
A parent Lee not.
They keep saying “Our system does funny things sometimes” and I told them “You understand you’re the credit card company talking to a customer, right, you probably shouldn’t tell me stuff like that.”
If I had a time machine I’d take 17 dollars to 1901 and buy several luxurious homes. Related: does anyone have a time machine and 17 dollars
Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.
HR: How do you think we can better handle this in the future?
ME [glaring at Cheryl, who took the last donut]: idk, maybe don’t hire Cheryl
A man once asked me what autodefenestration meant. Avoiding the question, I jumped out a window.
Where would we be without behavioral economics to deliver us such scorching insights as “try to make an appealing profile” and “swipe right on guys you like.”
I dropped my ice cream cone on the ground and it landed pointy end up which made the Earth, at least for a moment, one giant topping.
My BFF asked me to watch her purse while she went to the bathroom.
I asked her what it was going to do.
I’m hilarious. Everyone says so.