@Baz_3000: I always read my wife's Horoscope to see what kind of day I'M going to have.
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@iamburtjarvis: her: what r u doing? me: taking a photo of a glass of tap water on snapchat & see if they have- her: oh god me:-a water filter.
@jake_likes_naps: [at bar] Gee, I'm so hungry I could eat a horse *nearby horse slams down his whisky* COME ON THEN TOUGH GUY *horse throws the 1st punch*