I always regret making a good first impression because there is no way I can keep that shit up.
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As a fan of Dirty Dancing I can only hope that when we go on holiday one of my daughters sleeps with a middle aged dance instructor.
Weighing myself:
“That can’t be right. Let’s do that again.”
“Okay, best of 3”
Saying wash your hands
-Mundane
-May go unheard
-Have to beg my kids to do itRequesting the cleansing your portable sandwich fabricators
-Interesting
-An adventure
-Have to beg my kids to do it
You learn a lot about yourself when you decide to hide cookies from the family.
Never leave for tomorrow what you can eat today.
Me: Where is the string?
Craft store employee: Yarn?
Me: Just string.
Him: For?
Me: Tying things? Maybe in the garden section…
Him: So you want twine.
Me: What? No, string.
[Half hour later]
Me, sobbing: Please, I just want to tie things
MY KID: can you do a cartwheel?
ME: not if i want to live
*After roommate performs a summoning spell*
Me:
Roommate:
Me:
Roommate:
Me:
Roommate:
Me: So does he just live here now?
Satan: *wearing my bathrobe* You’re out of bagel bites
There is absolutely nothing to stop your dentist from putting small tracking devices in your mouth. How would you know. You wouldn’t
Support bacteria
They’re the only culture some people have.
Someone had to say it 🤷♂️
Prevent future fights among your children by not owning any nice things.
If the person driving right in front of me comes to a complete stop at a stop sign, I’m like “that was enough for the both of us.”
Time traveller: I’m from the future
Me: prove it
*he pulls out next weeks newspaper*
Me: nice try, they’ve already invented newspapers
This bar smells like my childhood.
They should just report when there WASN’T a shooting in Florida at this point
SOME OF MY FRIES WERE TOO SHORT TO COMFORTABLY DIP IN MY KETCHUP AGAIN WHY ME LORD
Then suddenly you’re a mom declaring ownership over swept dirt on the kitchen floor yelling DON’T YOU DARE WALK THROUGH MY DIRT PILE
mercenary: do you want this schrödinger guy dead or alive?
cat: *narrows eyes* yes
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a dolphin* shark
No I don’t have Tourette’s. I just stubbed my toe
I forgot my cell phone at home and had to write my grocery list on paper. I shopped with it in my hand like some kind of a carrier pigeon.
People I hate when I’m driving:
1. Everyone. I hate everyone when I’m driving.
Therapist: So what happened in your last relationship?
I lost him to addiction.
Therapist: I’m so sorry. Drugs?
Yes please.
Might buy an ice-cream truck just so that I can drive it around town, playing the jingle, whilst eating the inventory all by myself in plain view of the public.
Me and my mates are in a band called duvet.
We’re a cover band
Brain: Don’t make this weird
Heart: Puts an excessive amount of ketchup on my tacos
When I walk for a short period each day in the woods, if I pass someone a few yards away I make a point in speaking and smiling at them. That ensures they move on quickly.
WFH: Work From Home
my brain: WaFfle House
[my husband turning onto our street]
“know what I think?”
husband: you don’t have to say it everytime.
“we’ve been down this road before”