the icebreaker
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Based on how much my baby is attracted to bright lights and shiny things you’d think I birthed a moth.
WIFE: [livid] he calls his man-cave a “he shed!”
HUSBAND: she’s just jealous she doesn’t have a “she shed!”
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: it’s all about the he shed / she shed bullshit
My kids are young, so when they listen to old school music they think its new. They are currently listening to a hot new band called Queen.
In 10 years they’ll make a Fast & Furious movie in outer space
and they’ll shift gears to go faster.
in space.
i don’t usually get political here and i’m about to get controversial and i’m sure i’ll lose a lot of followers over this but crinkle fries are the worst fry.
I’m 51 now, but still cling to the hope of me flying through a room horizontally shooting 2 handguns at once one day 😌💭
PRO TIP:
Using a Starbucks cup to ask for change makes me think I’m worse off than you
Ancient wolves be like:
Eat a human and you eat for a day. Make puppy eyes, roll over and show your belly, and the human will feed you for lifetime.
I waved at this lady who I thought was waving at me but as it turns out she was actually waving to someone behind me, so to save face I hailed a cab and had it take me home, now I’m doing the walk of shame back to where my car is parked so I can drive it back home too
fireman: where is fire
me: in my heart, i love y-
fireman: [pulls out firehose] brace yourself this is gonna hurt
Not sure what to say when asked about the bruise on my face, because the truth is I walked into the side mirror of my truck.
I’m dying!! A bear cub went and ate my aunt’s pies today of ALL DAYS!!! 🤣🤣
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
Just dyed a bald eagle red, white & blue & forced my family to eat 3 apple pies each. We’re all crying. It’s awesome.
Listening in on 14yos on the train after school and one of them just said: “bro you didn’t even try fresh basil until you were like 12, you have no credibility in this conversation” and the rest of them started roaring laughing
All these years you thought your grandma had Alzheimers, and turns out she just didn’t want to talk to you.
what the hell pray for carter everyone
bank transfers when they’re taking money out of your account: haha yeah we can do this at the speed of light now. w/e its cool
bank transfers when they’re putting money in your account: hold on there pardner. we have to load this check on a pony and ride it across texas first
7 came home to a “7” balloon on his birthday & asked “Why is there an upside-down L balloon here?” & I’m really excited because now I can spend his college fund on that tummy tuck with a clear conscience.
No trip to Home Depot is complete without at least two more trips to Home Depot for what you didn’t know you needed to buy the first time.
Doctor: “Why is my waiting room empty?”
Judge: “I hauled everyone off to court”
Doctor: “You’re trying my patients”
Nah, you don’t give me anxiety. not like when someone hands me money and the bills are facing different directions
*Does one sit-up. Whispers to self.
“That’ll do pig. That’ll do.”
Me: My dad must be rolling in his grave right now.
Friend: Why, do you think he’d be disappointed in you?
Me: No. I had him buried in a cement mixer. It was way cheaper than a casket.
It is snowing perfect snowball packing snow right now, so I was wondering if anyone would like to walk slowly past my house?
Feb 14th іs for lovers. Feb 15th іs for lovers of hаlf prіce cаndy.
I startled my dog as she was peeing on a mailbox so now the dog she was leaving a message for is only gonna get half of it
never staying in an air bnb again. this couple from colorado is taking me to small claims court because i accidentally opened a portal to hell in their basement
Frankly, I don’t know how Jason and Freddy put up with all the screaming
I don’t “make friends”. I get adopted by extroverts and they make me do things.